Oh To Be A Lebanese Hobo

This beautiful display of cased meats is "Lebanon Bologna". It is smoked for three days. It is a beef bologna which has a wood/spice aroma that will cause even the most dainty hobo to stab you for a mere bite.

But maybe the best aspect of this bologna is the fact that it looks like it's packed with newspaper filler, so until a hobo actually tastes or smells this magnificent meat, you don't really face any threat of being stabbed.

If you like to order your meats via the internet--which isn't really a hobo marketplace, you can go to http://www.seltzerslebanonbologna.com/index.html and get your Lebanon Bologna fix.

Series: Benefits Of Being A Hobo

You are on the cutting edge of bologna science.

While we sit here in our living rooms and offices, the American hobo is out there developing new and stunning ways to prepare bologna. While we stew in our obliviousness, hobo chefs are inventing the unimaginable--and making it delicious! I'm a child of the 80s, so the only thing cutting edge in the 80s was tv shows about advanced vehicles. I'm not downplaying its importance in American history, but it's nothing like being a child during the beginning of space exploration. And to me, being at the forefront of bologna advancement has to be similar to being at the forefront of the space program. Sadly, through research, I have found that over 39 hobos have lost their lives trying to get the most out of bologna. (It should be noted that 38 of those deaths were due to somebody attempting to steal their bologna, and subsequently stabbing them to death.) But the bologna engineers push on because it is all they know. Well, they also know stabbing, but that's beside the point--sort of. But getting back to the beneficial aspects of being a hobo, imagine getting to see blockbuster movies months before they're released...that's what life is like for a hobo. You get to experience bologna blockbusters long before they hit the gas stations or railways. Lucky!

Oh Mr. Popeil...

Howabout some bologna jerky?

How thick is "thick-cut" bologna?

Is it about like this?

Time Moves Slowly When It's Not On The Rails

I'm just sitting here thinking about my hoboburger. I had a regular cheeseburger--or "peopleburger", if you will--for lunch today and it wasn't just lacking in bologna, it was lacking in character.

(Actually, let's strike that "peopleburger" comment, because it makes it sound like hobos aren't people, and they definitely are people--dna has proven that. So my apologies to the hobo nation.)

So I'm just trying to bide my time until next fall when I get my first crack at a real hoboburger--or at least what some consider a "hoboburger". I've googled the term numerous times and never have I seen mention of the involvement of thick-cut bologna. Usually, it's just some type of ground beef, done in a loose way. Kind of like Roseanne and Dan Connor's loose meat sandwich shop, but it's cooked in foil. I think it sounds great, but it also sounds like sloppy joes without the sauce, which is something I never understood about the loose meat sandwiches. Manwich is like a dollar a can, you can afford the beef, but not the Manwich? Sad.

Anyway, what do you think about thick-cut bologna cut long-ways and put into a brat bun with some kraut? I think it sounds promising.

I think that's it for now. Sorry for staying away as much as I have recently. I plan to ramp this puppy up real soon. Don't expect pictures or anything, as I don't know how to do that. Low-tech is probably more fitting for a blog about hobo goods anyway, no?

Lastly, thanks for all the kind words. I couldn't do this without the support of so many kind people.

What Makes Bologna "Hoboworthy"?

I'm a man of means by no means, but there are days when I've got some cash in my pocket and I decide to spend said cash by swinging by the local Subway and getting a sub. Never once have I ever gotten their cold cut combo, which is some mishmash of bologna and other stuff. Perhaps if it was bologna, dutch loaf and pimento loaf, then we'd talk. Actually, that may be exactly what it is, but I just can't justify paying $5 for something that I could conceivably make at home.

Now I know what you're saying, you're saying, "But Tony, you can make a turkey sub at home." Yes, I can, but it's not the same. I've tried. I can't replicate it.

But that's not the only reason I won't pay $5 for a cold cut sub. I won't pay that kind of money because I don't have the respect for bologna that I do for other sliced meats, specifically turkey, bacon, salami and even pepperoni. Ham...it's not a stand-alone meat, so for that alone, I rank bologna ahead of it. However, ham is pert near the perfect complementary sliced meat. You can add it to anything, and that's what gives ham its value.

So I guess what it all comes down to is that bologna is "hoboworthy" because we look down on it. I think--as much as it pains me to say this--I think we're all a little bit hoboist. Myself included. I don't think it was my upbringing. It couldn't have been. I grew up loving bologna. I think my anti-hobo-ite leanings came when I became "educated". Isn't that always the way? You go to college to get an education, and you walk out with your diploma and a disdain for hobos.

Thank you Ohio State. You have taught me well. I wonder what other segments of America I have been taught to despise. I think I don't like people who drive other people around for a living, so that's probably thanks to Ohio State as well. Your tax dollars at work. Unbelievable.

Double Hobo Goodness?

I had a double cheeseburger tonight and it got me wondering about the possibilities of a double Hobo burger. They say that thick-cut bologna isn't something to be messed with and is already in itself like a double, or triple-bologna sandwich, and they're probably right. So even though a double Hobo burger may sound like a good idea, it would actually be like eating a sextuple beef burger, which while it sounds kinky, doesn't really sound appetizing. Actually, it could also be like eating a nontuple burger, which I don't think is even possible. And no matter how well you think you can fix bologna, you're still just fixing bologna. After a while, it would just be like opening a package of bologna, putting it all on a bun, and chomping down. It's bologna overkill. We're not talking Velveeta here, so you can't just start eating hunks of bologna like you can Velveeta. There has to be some conservation of space with regard to the sandwich, I would think. LOL. Listen to me. I'm talking like I know what I'm talking about. I'm talking like a regular rustic gourmet and I can't even fry bologna without melting a spatula. So I should probably apologize for talking like I know what I'm talking about. I have no idea what to expect and I shouldn't be so flippant about what I'm going to be experiencing. I can't believe that I've only had this blog going for about 12 hours and already I've lost focus on what its purpose is. For that, I am sorry. I think I'm going to take the evening and re-examine my purpose for this blog. Maybe I'm not ready for Hoboburgers. I sincerely hope that's not the case. I'm going to talk to my wife. See what she has to say. Ultimately it's my decision, and I know that. But I always appreciate input. I think that's it for tonight. Goodnight America and assorted republics.

I'm ordering Destiny--extra onions.

My name isn't important. Neither is my age. What is important is the Hoboburger. I've never had one, but this fall that may all change. I don't know how not to get my expections all tizzified, so I thought maybe if I wrote out my thoughts, it would lead to self-explanation and self-regulation concerning the Hoboburger. If I could read my own expectations, they would then become tempered on down the road.

At least that's the plan.

Apparently the Hoboburger is thick-cut bologna cooked on a grill and done up with the finest of fixings. To call them "fixin's" would be an insult. Apparently these burgers are arrayed with the finest of slicings and dicings, but not so much as to overpower the actual bologna.

I've made no secret of my history with bologna. Of course, I've never really told anybody about it either. I used to take about three or four slices of bologna, stack them, cut them in half, stack those, then cut them into length-wise and width-wise, creating tiny stacks of bologna, and I would then eat these stacks--or "buildings" as I called them--with a toothpick. The wood brought out the bologna-y flavor of the bologna, which I'm sure is going to happen with the Hoboburger. I look forward to the wood flavoring, as I did as a child.

I do have somewhat of a brand-loyalty when it comes to bologna, mainly sticking with Oscar Meyer, Dinner Bell or Eckrich. Though sometimes as a child, we would get the bologna straight from the butcher, so it was neither "brand name" or "generic". I did not put up a fight against the butcher as I am never opposed to local businesses making money. I think investing in meat-based infrastructure is one of our most important duties as citizens. I would rank it 7th over-all, right above #8, which is "citizen's arrest".

Other forays into bolognadom for me would be the infamous "Bologna Bowl", which was simply a slice of bologna, topped with a slice of cheese, and then microwaved. The bologna curls up into a bowl of cheese, which sounds great until you eat the rubberized bologna and get burned by the scalding cheese. It was a great idea, but the implementation needs work--just like multi-speed escalator that I've tinkered around with.

Now I don't know how often I'll update this blog. Probably just when the feeling hits me. But I look forward to pinning down my thoughts as the Day of the Hoboburger approaches. It should be fun. Or it may not be. Either way, there will bologna.