Mister Stabby Goes To Washington

Yes, I've been gone for about 23 months now. Or, as the hobo calls it, "a Railsman's Weekend".

But I'm not going to explain my absence, or my return, because it's just understood that anything hobo-related comes and goes like a corn-mash-soaked breeze over the coal-strewn hills of this once great land.

And I say "once great land" because I hate just sitting back and watching the way the Hobo-American is treated by his fellow citizens.

Of course, when you look at the people who comprise Washington, is it any wonder that Hobo Rights falls somewhere between "Battery Disposal" and "Weird Sunday State Ice Cream Laws" in order of importance?

The utter lack of adequate representation makes me wonder why there aren't any hobo politicians.

Is there some law against running for office out of a PO Boxcar?

Imagine the possibilities of hobos in politics.  Debates would always be settled with an "Oh yeah?! I'll show you!", followed by repeated stabs of the opponent until their time was up.

And then when the other candidate is allotted his 30 seconds for rebuttal, he would just bleed out.

Clearly, if a hobo had ever run for public office, he would have won.

Or, more likely, he would have just run unopposed because the other candidates would have been afraid of being stabbed until they die.

Cowards.

And these are the people running our country. They aren't even man enough to get into a debate that has a high rate of eventual stabbing.

And the thing that they don't even realize is that if their argument is sound, there's really no danger of being stabbed a lot.

However, if your logic fails you in a debate against a hobo, the shiv can be the cruelest of all fact-checkers.

No, we'll never see a hobo president.

Of course, I don't know if it would be safe to have a hobo president with his finger on the button. After all, a stolen biscuit at a summit could bring about World War III.

But then, if you think about it, who's gonna steal from a hobo president?

Nobody likes getting stabbed with a screwdriver featuring the Presidential Seal.

Especially world leaders.

Pay Hobo Caesar's Things Back To Hobo Caesar

Do you think hobos have to pay hobo taxes? Like is there a bully-type of hobo out there that requires periodic payments from other, less experienced hobos?

I can't imagine that a hobo bully would last too long without getting good 'n' gangstabbed.

And if there was a Hobo IRS, you'd better believe they aren't giving out any refunds.

You can go and complain all you want about how you overpaid your hobo taxes, but all the Hobo IRS is going to tell you is that, "We lost it between Sioux City and Topeka."

Everything gets lost between Sioux City and Topeka!

Remember the union dues that "disappeared"?

And don't even get them started about tuition reimbursement!

Hobo Hot Pocket

I'm not sure if I've told you guys this one before, but when I was a kid, we would always go to my Grandma's for Sunday Dinner. I would always take a roll and carve out a hole with a butterknife and then stuff that roll full of applesause, pot roast, corn, and whatever else went deliciously with applesauce, meat and corn.

And then I would eat the hell out of it!

I think this would be a great addition to any hobo-based cookout. Perhaps a roll carved out and stuffed with fried bologna and applesauce. You could even add a corn salsa for a little fiber.

And think of the possibilities of eating a complete meal with one hand free. Not only do you have one hand free to stab, but you also have the ability to defend yourself from being stabbed! Aside from tasteability, feasible livelihood may be the biggest benefit of the Hobo Hot Pocket.

And even ignoring the obvious stabbing feature the Hobo Hot Pocket provides, you don't have to make a big production out of supper. The handheld aspect of the HHP is perfect for the hobo on the go who doesn't have time to sit and fix a couple of dumplings and a couple of ears of feed corn that you came upon in Truitt County.

I think I'm on to something here. Let me know!

Oh! And what if we deep-fried it!?!

Poll Results Reveal Stabbing Okay To A Point

The poll results this past week were shocking to me. The question to America was: If a hobo stabbed you for your socks, what would you lament the most?

The breakdown went like this:

9% of America said they would lament "Being stabbed for my socks."

27% of America said they would lament "My suddenly cold feet and my loss of stomach blood."

27% of America also said they would lament the fact that "That's eight dollars that I'll never get back."

36% of America lamented that "If I die, I won't have a cool story to tell."

I must say, this breakdown is chilling to me. I will admit that I was one of the 9% of Americans that felt the worst part about being stabbed for my socks, would be the fact that I just got stabbed for my socks. Of all the things to be stabbed for, you chose to stab me for my socks? That, to me, is much worse than not having a story to tell.

I also thought that more people would be upset about their loss of stomach blood. You do know that you need stomach blood to live, right? Of course, that may be partially my fault, because I could change the poll to allow multiple selections, but I think that makes a poll lazy, and I don't want a lazy poll.

The two most disturbing findings of my science were the fact that 27% of America would lament losing the eight dollars that they paid for their socks. Are you crazy? Being stabbed for your socks is much worse than losing the money you paid for them. Wouldn't you give somebody eight dollars to not stab you? If the choice is being stabbed, or handing over eight bucks to avoid a stabbing, I'm giving them a ten and asking for change! You people value money more than life! I am sad for you.

And then there is the 36% of Americans who would lament not having a story to tell if they die. Are you kidding me? Is this how far we've come as a society that you wouldn't mind being stabbed, as long as you lived to tell the story? Are you going to talk to schools about being stabbed by a hobo for your socks, because your buddies aren't going to want to hear it more than twice. And it's not like it's an unusual story. Research shows that 13% of Americans have been stabbed by hobos. I think maybe those 36% of Americans are desperate for attention and their own stories just aren't interesting enough. Nobody wants to hear about the time you had a flat tire and you called AAA and they fixed it and then you went home.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this poll. I'll have another up and running soon.

Series: Benefits Of Being A Hobo

You are on the cutting edge of bologna science.

While we sit here in our living rooms and offices, the American hobo is out there developing new and stunning ways to prepare bologna. While we stew in our obliviousness, hobo chefs are inventing the unimaginable--and making it delicious! I'm a child of the 80s, so the only thing cutting edge in the 80s was tv shows about advanced vehicles. I'm not downplaying its importance in American history, but it's nothing like being a child during the beginning of space exploration. And to me, being at the forefront of bologna advancement has to be similar to being at the forefront of the space program. Sadly, through research, I have found that over 39 hobos have lost their lives trying to get the most out of bologna. (It should be noted that 38 of those deaths were due to somebody attempting to steal their bologna, and subsequently stabbing them to death.) But the bologna engineers push on because it is all they know. Well, they also know stabbing, but that's beside the point--sort of. But getting back to the beneficial aspects of being a hobo, imagine getting to see blockbuster movies months before they're released...that's what life is like for a hobo. You get to experience bologna blockbusters long before they hit the gas stations or railways. Lucky!

Poll Results Are In And Analyzed For Your Protection

Last week, I posed the following question to America: Would you watch a cooking show starring a hobo? And amazingly, 93% of you said you would!

The breakdown is truly fascinating. Here are the results:

52% of America said "Yes, as long as the stabbing is kept to a minimum."

41% of America said "Yes, regardless of stab numbers."

A little over 5% of America said, "Probably not as I'm a hobo myself and my tv watching is sporadic at best."

0% of America said, "No, I prefer shows about boats and cats."

So what does it mean? Thankfully, it means that there is such a thing as too much stabbing on tv. For a while, the stabbers were winning out on this poll, but fortunately, the people with ethics came through.

Now I'm not saying America is wanting a stab-free cooking show. Nobody wants that. But it can't just all be about the stabbing. It is, after all, a cooking show, not a stabbing show.

Another interesting find was that America hates shows about boats and cats. Apparently we have forgotten about a little thing called The Love Boat? Although, to generalize and say America "hates" boats and cats would not be correct. They simply favor cooking shows featuring hobos and stabbing over shows featuring boats and cats.

The most amazing discovery brought about by this poll is that over 5% of Americans are hobos! I would have never imagined such a large percentage. I wonder how much longer Social Studies classes will continue to ignore the Hobo-American.

Pennies For Your Thoughts

When I was a kid, we used to put pennies and nickels on the train tracks and then let a train run over our money. Sometimes, however, we weren't able to find our coins. I imagine that we were not alone in losing smashed change. I have to assume that over the years, hobos have found pounds of useless squashed coins and have shaken their heads at the money being wasted.

We have a lot to learn from the hobo.

Mainly, money shouldn't be smashed by trains--it should be spent. You will never see a hobo place money on a rail in order to be smashed. A hobo would receive no joy from it. Certainly not in the way that we as kids did.

Besides the obvious waste of money, there is also the safety concern. One time we had put some pennies on the track, and as the train went by, a penny was sent flying right by my head. I could have been seriously injured and all because of a lousy desire to see a smashed penny. Why are we instilled with a desire to destroy money?

As an aside, I had a roommate who sold Cutco knives. One of the demonstrations was that you could cut pennies with the scissors because the scissors were so sharp. Cutting pennies! Can you believe that? The hobo gently weeps.

Anyway, I think one of the more admirable qualities of the hobo is their penny-pinching, especially when you contrast that against our penny-smashing, squashing and cutting.

Imagine the amount of smokes that could have been paid for by lost coins of a smashing youth. It's enough to hurt your heart.

I guess I only bring this up because I have now been smash-free for over 20 years. It has not come easy. I have 9 pennies in my left pocket right now and all I want to do is run down to the tracks and start laying them down. But then I go back to a very valuable thought process...What would a hobo do?

That thought process hasn't let me down yet. (Of course, I don't ask the question very often, and never when it comes to transportation, confrontations, stabbing, wardrobe, life, marriage...you know, to be honest, I only really ask it with regards to money or food.)

Like, zoinks!

Growing up, I always thought Shaggy and Scooby made the best food on tv. And I still feel that Scooby Snacks are probably the most delicious hand-snack ever invented, even though I'm sure it's just some type of chicken-based product. But I wonder how much my opinions of Shaggy and Scooby's culinary skills would have changed had they been hobos instead of dirty hippies.

Perhaps I would have then marveled at their ingenuity instead of their sandwichery.

I can tell you this though, if Shaggy and the gang were all hobos, I'd bet money that Scooby Snacks would just be brown dumplings. And there's no way I'm going spelunking down a haunted cave for frickin' dumplings. No way.

And I doubt two lovers of food such as Shaggy and Scooby would be so manipulatable for fried dumplings out of a box.

There would be no bribery.

I don't care if you give Shaggy six Scooby Snacks, he's not stabbing Tuxedo Joe when the train stops in Geary, Oklahoma for some blasted dumplings--no matter how much Fred and Velma beg and plead.

Go stab 'em yourself, Fred. You jerk!

Safety concerns

This is two-pronged. The first is immediate safety. I've seen tv shows about hobos and it seems that there isn't one segment that goes by where "multiple stab wounds" isn't mentioned. I'm excited about this Hoboburger, but I don't want to die or almost die. So my safety would have to be guaranteed. I have a family to support and I don't want to see them out on the street if I get stabbed. The worst part is that we just reupped our medical benefits and I left "Hobo Stab Coverage" unchecked. So if I ever do get stabbed, I either have to pay out of pocket, or convince the insurance company that I was actually stabbed by a drifter, and not a hobo. Good luck with that. Any drifter that has even looked at a train is categorized a hobo, which is a whole other issue that I may get into one day, but that day is not today. But getting back to the stabbing, I think it would almost be better if I was stabbed to death, because if I were to actually live, I would always have to hear about "Why didn't you pay for Hobo stab insurance, you knew you were going to be in a place with hobo foods!"

The second safety concern that I have is longer-lasting. As a child, we once grabbed some potatoes out of the pantry and walked the rail, eventually finding a spot to cook some sliced potatoes on a piece of slate that we found. Now I'm not sure of the level of carcinogens in slate, but I have to assume it's really high if you heat it with fire. Looking back on it now, I'm guessing it was probably about the same as smoking a pack of unfiltered Winstons all at once, but through a potato. I need to know that if I go to this Hobo food party that 1) no stabbing; 2) normal levels of carcinogens will both occur. I hope these two things can be guaranteed. If they cannot, I will have to make some alterations. I'm currently working on a form of chain mail that can withstand broken bottles of Mad Dog. However, they're completely useless against shivs. But the good news is that I've got like nine months to work the kinks out. Here's hoping.