Mister Stabby Goes To Washington

Yes, I've been gone for about 23 months now. Or, as the hobo calls it, "a Railsman's Weekend".

But I'm not going to explain my absence, or my return, because it's just understood that anything hobo-related comes and goes like a corn-mash-soaked breeze over the coal-strewn hills of this once great land.

And I say "once great land" because I hate just sitting back and watching the way the Hobo-American is treated by his fellow citizens.

Of course, when you look at the people who comprise Washington, is it any wonder that Hobo Rights falls somewhere between "Battery Disposal" and "Weird Sunday State Ice Cream Laws" in order of importance?

The utter lack of adequate representation makes me wonder why there aren't any hobo politicians.

Is there some law against running for office out of a PO Boxcar?

Imagine the possibilities of hobos in politics.  Debates would always be settled with an "Oh yeah?! I'll show you!", followed by repeated stabs of the opponent until their time was up.

And then when the other candidate is allotted his 30 seconds for rebuttal, he would just bleed out.

Clearly, if a hobo had ever run for public office, he would have won.

Or, more likely, he would have just run unopposed because the other candidates would have been afraid of being stabbed until they die.

Cowards.

And these are the people running our country. They aren't even man enough to get into a debate that has a high rate of eventual stabbing.

And the thing that they don't even realize is that if their argument is sound, there's really no danger of being stabbed a lot.

However, if your logic fails you in a debate against a hobo, the shiv can be the cruelest of all fact-checkers.

No, we'll never see a hobo president.

Of course, I don't know if it would be safe to have a hobo president with his finger on the button. After all, a stolen biscuit at a summit could bring about World War III.

But then, if you think about it, who's gonna steal from a hobo president?

Nobody likes getting stabbed with a screwdriver featuring the Presidential Seal.

Especially world leaders.

Poll Results Are In And Analyzed For Your Protection

Last week, I posed the following question to America: Would you watch a cooking show starring a hobo? And amazingly, 93% of you said you would!

The breakdown is truly fascinating. Here are the results:

52% of America said "Yes, as long as the stabbing is kept to a minimum."

41% of America said "Yes, regardless of stab numbers."

A little over 5% of America said, "Probably not as I'm a hobo myself and my tv watching is sporadic at best."

0% of America said, "No, I prefer shows about boats and cats."

So what does it mean? Thankfully, it means that there is such a thing as too much stabbing on tv. For a while, the stabbers were winning out on this poll, but fortunately, the people with ethics came through.

Now I'm not saying America is wanting a stab-free cooking show. Nobody wants that. But it can't just all be about the stabbing. It is, after all, a cooking show, not a stabbing show.

Another interesting find was that America hates shows about boats and cats. Apparently we have forgotten about a little thing called The Love Boat? Although, to generalize and say America "hates" boats and cats would not be correct. They simply favor cooking shows featuring hobos and stabbing over shows featuring boats and cats.

The most amazing discovery brought about by this poll is that over 5% of Americans are hobos! I would have never imagined such a large percentage. I wonder how much longer Social Studies classes will continue to ignore the Hobo-American.