This is the End?

RIP Hoboburger

[Jan '08-Apr '08]

Poll Results Are In -- Hobo Beats Badger!

I must admit, I was very surprised--pleasantly--by these results.

First off, let's display the poll and subsequent results. The poll this time around was:

Who would win a fight between a hobo, a large bobcat, a small bear, an angry python and a protective mama badger?

45% said Hobo
36% said Protective Mama Badger
9% said Small Bear
9% said Large Bobcat
0% said Angry Python

Let me first admit that I initially had voted Large Bobcat, thinking that the combination of being large, having claws, having teeth, and being mean as hell would be a combination worth reckoning with.

But then I began thinking about the hobo--backed up against his boxcar wall, protecting his bindle and extra shoe, while a large bobcat stared him down. For not the first time, I put myself in the hobo's shoes at this moment. There is no way I'm going to lose a fight to a cat of any kind--other than a mountain lion, tiger, lion, liger, tigon, jaguar, leopard, black panther, white panther, pink panther, or hefty ocelot. Other than that, no chance. That bobcat would be going down! So I changed my vote to hobo.

That was my thought process, but I don't know what anybody else's was. Perhaps the most amazing thing was that I didn't have to give a qualifier to the hobo, like "Starving Hobo" or "Tuberculosis Hobo" or "Furious Hobo", and he still garnered the most votes. I guess what the poll says is that in a fight, people expect the hobo to come out on top, regardless of the competitor.

Could there have been better competitors in this poll? Perhaps, but I only went with animals that a hobo is likely to come into contact with, hence no Bitter King Cobras (the snake) or Rabid Kangaroos.

I think the poll also showed a great deal of respect for the mother badger. Everybody knows that badgers are mean sons'a'guns, so I wasn't too surprised to see 36% of America think an angry mama badger could take a hobo down. However, what I think most of those who voted for the badger forget about is that a mama badger's main concern is to her kids, so she's not gonna be in a sustained fight with a hobo, and once the hobo backed off a bit, she would leave to tend to her kids. Which, in turn, would force a count-out and the hobo would win.

America was equally unimpressed by Small Bear and Large Bobcat. I've always been of the opinion that I can take a small bear or a black bear, and I don't even have an extra shoe to protect, so there was no way I wasn't taking a hobo in that fight.

I've already given you my thoughts on the large bobcat, so I'll not go into that again.

Surprisingly, America has no fighting respect for the Angry Python. But against a hobo, I can't blame them. Knife versus nonpoisonous snake isn't exactly a battle reserved for pay-per-view.

So those are the results from this poll. Please feel free to comment on why you voted how you did, so that my research won't be so incomplete.

Thanks to the 100% of you who voted!

(That's a little bit of polling humor.)

Hobo Or Not A Hobo: Revealed!

Answer: Hobo!

The hat was a ruse! This is actually a painting of famous Hobo King Pennsylvania Kid Wilson, who being from Pennsylvania, was brought up wearing stupid hats.

I know I've told you before about tell-tale signs and that a large-brimmed hat usually means it's not a hobo, but here's the exception to the rule.

And to be honest, the brim isn't really as pronounced as the last Hobo Or Not A Hobo, it just looks like it. This type of hat is used as much to gather wind against the forehead as it is to keep the sun out of the eyes. With this type of hat, you catch even the slightest breeze and dry the ironhouse-of-freedom-born beads of sweat

So given that bit of trickery, how were you supposed to know that this was a hobo? Well, if you'll notice, Pennsylvania Kid Wilson isn't looking at the artist, he's looking behind him. Presumably because he's looking at a sculpture that he is going to use to smash over the artist's head when the artist lets his guard down.

The second big clue was all of the buttons on the overalls. Hobos love flair! And not just on the overalls, check out the zazz-laden hat full of clothespins.

This one really shouldn't have been that difficult.

But I do thank you all for your terrific guesses and dances with logic--even if they left you standing by the punch bowl.

Better luck next time!

Question

Do hobos pull pranks on eachother?

A common prank among skydivers is to pack somebody's parachute full of silverware. I wonder if hobos do the same with a bindle.

Although I'm guessing it wouldn't be a wise move to have one hobo having a bindle full of silverware, as some of that stuff is bound to be knives, and the spoons can easily be fashioned into hobo shivs. And forks came out of the womb with stabbing potential.

It's probably safe to say that if hobos do pull pranks, it wouldn't involve depleting their own knife supply while simultaneously increasing somebody else's--no matter how damn funny it would be.

When I was like seven-years old, I was sleeping one night and my brother woke me to tell me that the school bus was here, so I got up and headed for the porch in order to catch the bus. I think you could probably do something similar to a sleeping hobo, but I'm guessing you have to beware the consequences of a pranked hobo.

You would probably want to guard your soft middle parts from an angry stabbing. A pie pan or cookie sheet would have to be popular choices in my opinion.

I've also heard tales of hobos fashioning chainmail out of pennies. "Penny-mail" is inexpensive, as it only costs you the amount of pennies you choose to use and a little bit of wire. As with most attire, however, the fatter you are, the more expensive your gear. Fortunately, the fattest hobo on record only weighed 158 pounds.

What about the old "shaving cream in the sleeping hand" prank? In my opinion, this would be a very cruel prank to play as most hobos sleep with their knives taped into their hands, so somebody could very easily lose an eye.

I guess that's why they say "Let sleeping hobos lie."

Sounds like good advice.

Series: Benefits Of Being A Hobo

The Places You Get To Go

Just looking at the above picture, you can't tell me you wouldn't mind hanging up your loafers for a few days, grabbing your best pair of overalls, sharpening your sharpest stabbing knife, and heading down the iron highway for a weekend of rails, males and tales--in the heteroest of senses, of course.

Imagine watching the clock Friday afternoon, just knowing that in a few short hours, you're going to be down at the railyard, making sure your belt is secure and unable to get snagged on any loose metal hanging from the train you're about to catch, because you don't want to reach out to grab the train and have it grab you instead--like it did with Big Belt Stumpy Nevada Junior (his father went the same way.)

Can't you just feel the steel on steel cohesion of wheel and rail? Like they were poured together by the builders of the pyramids themselves. Every groove is perfect. Every inch is pure.

Smells like freedom...and some type of diesel.

The only problem would be giving up that first real taste of freedom and heading back to work on Monday.

But that's the life of a weekend hobo, I guess.

(Plus, it's the only way to keep your health benefits.)

To Answer A Frequent Question

No, I am not a professional graphic designer-type of fellow. The photoshops below were just something I put together yesterday. They only took me three hours, so it's not like it was too time-intensive as I was at work at the time. Sorry for the non-hobo-related post, but I didn't have time to answer all of the emails.

Marketing Shouldn't Be Just For Markets

Are you telling me you wouldn't have wanted this when you were a kid?

You would've been pounding on the neck levers scrambling for every last marbled biscuit!

Imagine the income for the entire Hobo nation if we would just market these great people better. And I'm not talking about hobo clown figurines, because that's degrading and has no place in hobo marketing. That's clown marketing--don't confuse the two! I also think "You derailed my boxcar!" could become pop culture gold!

Pay Hobo Caesar's Things Back To Hobo Caesar

Do you think hobos have to pay hobo taxes? Like is there a bully-type of hobo out there that requires periodic payments from other, less experienced hobos?

I can't imagine that a hobo bully would last too long without getting good 'n' gangstabbed.

And if there was a Hobo IRS, you'd better believe they aren't giving out any refunds.

You can go and complain all you want about how you overpaid your hobo taxes, but all the Hobo IRS is going to tell you is that, "We lost it between Sioux City and Topeka."

Everything gets lost between Sioux City and Topeka!

Remember the union dues that "disappeared"?

And don't even get them started about tuition reimbursement!

Oh To Be A Lebanese Hobo

This beautiful display of cased meats is "Lebanon Bologna". It is smoked for three days. It is a beef bologna which has a wood/spice aroma that will cause even the most dainty hobo to stab you for a mere bite.

But maybe the best aspect of this bologna is the fact that it looks like it's packed with newspaper filler, so until a hobo actually tastes or smells this magnificent meat, you don't really face any threat of being stabbed.

If you like to order your meats via the internet--which isn't really a hobo marketplace, you can go to http://www.seltzerslebanonbologna.com/index.html and get your Lebanon Bologna fix.

Hobo Or Not A Hobo?

You make the call!

So what say you, America! Is this a hobo, or not? Why, or why not? I've got the answer, but I'll give you a day or two to show your work.

Hobo Hot Pocket

I'm not sure if I've told you guys this one before, but when I was a kid, we would always go to my Grandma's for Sunday Dinner. I would always take a roll and carve out a hole with a butterknife and then stuff that roll full of applesause, pot roast, corn, and whatever else went deliciously with applesauce, meat and corn.

And then I would eat the hell out of it!

I think this would be a great addition to any hobo-based cookout. Perhaps a roll carved out and stuffed with fried bologna and applesauce. You could even add a corn salsa for a little fiber.

And think of the possibilities of eating a complete meal with one hand free. Not only do you have one hand free to stab, but you also have the ability to defend yourself from being stabbed! Aside from tasteability, feasible livelihood may be the biggest benefit of the Hobo Hot Pocket.

And even ignoring the obvious stabbing feature the Hobo Hot Pocket provides, you don't have to make a big production out of supper. The handheld aspect of the HHP is perfect for the hobo on the go who doesn't have time to sit and fix a couple of dumplings and a couple of ears of feed corn that you came upon in Truitt County.

I think I'm on to something here. Let me know!

Oh! And what if we deep-fried it!?!

An Apology

I've always been called an abandoner by everybody I've ever left forever, and I was afraid for a while that that would happen with Hoboburger, but I really don't want it to. I want this to work. For all of us.

But then as I thought about my absence, I couldn't help but notice a perfect sense of symmetry about a writer of a hobofoods blog disappearing for awhile.

After all, it wouldn't be a blog about hobos and hobofoods if you didn't go a long period without hearing from me.

But I'll admit, I didn't plan this "vacation", it just sort of happened. I feel like I owe you an explanation, especially after all of the emails and comments about this blog's future. However, due to HERPA (Hobo-E-Related Preparatory Act), legally, I do not have to disclose my whereabouts over the past month, and I'd prefer to abide by the law this time.

So I guess this is just my announcement announcing the announcement of my return announcement (this is also my return announcement, so don't expect one of those).

But to get back on track--if you will--traveling season is upon us, make sure you leave a little something on the stoop for the Rustic Americans in your neighborhood. Even if it's crappy, they'll make something tasty out of it--unless it has sour cream, which is a worthless hobo food as it doesn't travel and nobody likes sour cream and biscuits.

Thanks again for all of your letters. I am fine and am happy to be back. Please stop calling me though.

And please stop sending me pictures of your surgeries. The human form loses something when it is beset with tubes, imo.

Series: Benefits Of Being A Hobo

You don't have to feed fatty.

Not to be too crass, but let's be realistic, being a hobo means never having to buy your child three Double Quarter Pounder Extra Value Meals. And, of course, you'll never have to carry him upstairs to bed when he falls asleep in his bowl of gravy. Being a hobo inherently brings plenty of problems along with it, but at least back problems aren't one of them. (That is, back problems that come from carrying a large child upstairs, because, for a hobo, "there is no upstairs, there." People say that you'll never see a fat hobo, but that's not true. Some fat people become hobos, but hobos rarely ever become fat. Nobody overindulges on dumplings or biscuit-halves. Well, nobody except Biscuit Thompson, who was said to be the "biscuit-eatingest s.o.b. to ever set foot between the rails". Although, a cursory Google search of "Biscuit Thompson" only turns up a "Thompson Biscuit Company"...wait a second...you don't think...?

Poll Results Reveal Stabbing Okay To A Point

The poll results this past week were shocking to me. The question to America was: If a hobo stabbed you for your socks, what would you lament the most?

The breakdown went like this:

9% of America said they would lament "Being stabbed for my socks."

27% of America said they would lament "My suddenly cold feet and my loss of stomach blood."

27% of America also said they would lament the fact that "That's eight dollars that I'll never get back."

36% of America lamented that "If I die, I won't have a cool story to tell."

I must say, this breakdown is chilling to me. I will admit that I was one of the 9% of Americans that felt the worst part about being stabbed for my socks, would be the fact that I just got stabbed for my socks. Of all the things to be stabbed for, you chose to stab me for my socks? That, to me, is much worse than not having a story to tell.

I also thought that more people would be upset about their loss of stomach blood. You do know that you need stomach blood to live, right? Of course, that may be partially my fault, because I could change the poll to allow multiple selections, but I think that makes a poll lazy, and I don't want a lazy poll.

The two most disturbing findings of my science were the fact that 27% of America would lament losing the eight dollars that they paid for their socks. Are you crazy? Being stabbed for your socks is much worse than losing the money you paid for them. Wouldn't you give somebody eight dollars to not stab you? If the choice is being stabbed, or handing over eight bucks to avoid a stabbing, I'm giving them a ten and asking for change! You people value money more than life! I am sad for you.

And then there is the 36% of Americans who would lament not having a story to tell if they die. Are you kidding me? Is this how far we've come as a society that you wouldn't mind being stabbed, as long as you lived to tell the story? Are you going to talk to schools about being stabbed by a hobo for your socks, because your buddies aren't going to want to hear it more than twice. And it's not like it's an unusual story. Research shows that 13% of Americans have been stabbed by hobos. I think maybe those 36% of Americans are desperate for attention and their own stories just aren't interesting enough. Nobody wants to hear about the time you had a flat tire and you called AAA and they fixed it and then you went home.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this poll. I'll have another up and running soon.

Hobospiration

(Note: "Hobospiration" is a combination of the words "Hobo" and "Inspiration", not "Hobo" and "Perspiration".)

I admire Woody Guthrie. I don't know too much about him, but I know hobos like him. And I think he probably got a lot of inspiration from hanging around the common hobo. (One day, I'll talk about how David Lee Roth got inspiration from hanging around the super hobo.)

If I were to one day decide that I wanted to become a great musician and singer, I would probably take a few weeks off of work and ride the rails with the common hobo and get plenty of hobospiration. I imagine I could probably gain enough life experience in those few weeks to be able to write at least one album, if not two.

I would probably also release an EP of stabbing songs (aka "hobo spirituals").

I Could Be An Editor

I've been mulling over an idea to edit and compile a hobo cookbook. However, the problems are many. Chief among them, Chief, is the fact that I don't know any hobos. Second, I don't have any spare cash to print anything up at Kinkos. Thirdly, cookbooks need recipes and I have exactly one recipe, and it's not even a recipe really, it's just grilled bologna at this point.

But, I'm not going to give up on the idea just yet.

Aside from the three biggest obstacles mentioned above, there is also the concern about hobo compensation. How much would I pay the hobos. Would they want money? Smokes? Ham? I have no idea. Also, my other main concern would be legitimacy of recipes. I don't want Big Leg Little Leg giving me a recipe for lemon carp if there's never been such a thing. I'm looking for recipes that have stood the test of time, not stuff that hobos think up on the fly for a pack of Reds.

Time will tell if this thing has legs. It wouldn't be the first cookbook I've started that fell by the wayside.

Series: Benefits Of Being A Hobo

You'll never have to be strapped to another man and thrown out of a plane.

Now I'm not saying that at some point in a hobo's life that he won't be enlisted and thrown out of planes, but I seriously doubt he'd be strapped to somebody else when it happened. And certainly not strapped to either Will Ferrell or Moby. Consider yourself lucky.

Series: Benefits Of Being A Hobo

You are on the cutting edge of bologna science.

While we sit here in our living rooms and offices, the American hobo is out there developing new and stunning ways to prepare bologna. While we stew in our obliviousness, hobo chefs are inventing the unimaginable--and making it delicious! I'm a child of the 80s, so the only thing cutting edge in the 80s was tv shows about advanced vehicles. I'm not downplaying its importance in American history, but it's nothing like being a child during the beginning of space exploration. And to me, being at the forefront of bologna advancement has to be similar to being at the forefront of the space program. Sadly, through research, I have found that over 39 hobos have lost their lives trying to get the most out of bologna. (It should be noted that 38 of those deaths were due to somebody attempting to steal their bologna, and subsequently stabbing them to death.) But the bologna engineers push on because it is all they know. Well, they also know stabbing, but that's beside the point--sort of. But getting back to the beneficial aspects of being a hobo, imagine getting to see blockbuster movies months before they're released...that's what life is like for a hobo. You get to experience bologna blockbusters long before they hit the gas stations or railways. Lucky!

Series: Benefits Of Being A Hobo

Bill Walton won't criticize you for your performance.

I have been criticized by folks in my time, and it's not fun. But I have never been criticized by Bill Walton. Now I don't take that to mean that he approves of what I do; I take it to mean that he has no idea who I am. And in this sense, I know what it feels like to be a hobo. And you know what? It feels pretty darn good. Hobos never need to feel the sting of being told to "get a rebound" or "make a shot". Walton will never walk up to them and tell them to "fry that dumpling" or "ferment this orange". I'm not saying the hobo life is an easy one, but not being critized by Bill Walton has to make life a little bit easier than it otherwise would be.

Poll Results Are In And Analyzed For Your Protection

Last week, I posed the following question to America: Would you watch a cooking show starring a hobo? And amazingly, 93% of you said you would!

The breakdown is truly fascinating. Here are the results:

52% of America said "Yes, as long as the stabbing is kept to a minimum."

41% of America said "Yes, regardless of stab numbers."

A little over 5% of America said, "Probably not as I'm a hobo myself and my tv watching is sporadic at best."

0% of America said, "No, I prefer shows about boats and cats."

So what does it mean? Thankfully, it means that there is such a thing as too much stabbing on tv. For a while, the stabbers were winning out on this poll, but fortunately, the people with ethics came through.

Now I'm not saying America is wanting a stab-free cooking show. Nobody wants that. But it can't just all be about the stabbing. It is, after all, a cooking show, not a stabbing show.

Another interesting find was that America hates shows about boats and cats. Apparently we have forgotten about a little thing called The Love Boat? Although, to generalize and say America "hates" boats and cats would not be correct. They simply favor cooking shows featuring hobos and stabbing over shows featuring boats and cats.

The most amazing discovery brought about by this poll is that over 5% of Americans are hobos! I would have never imagined such a large percentage. I wonder how much longer Social Studies classes will continue to ignore the Hobo-American.

Pennies For Your Thoughts

When I was a kid, we used to put pennies and nickels on the train tracks and then let a train run over our money. Sometimes, however, we weren't able to find our coins. I imagine that we were not alone in losing smashed change. I have to assume that over the years, hobos have found pounds of useless squashed coins and have shaken their heads at the money being wasted.

We have a lot to learn from the hobo.

Mainly, money shouldn't be smashed by trains--it should be spent. You will never see a hobo place money on a rail in order to be smashed. A hobo would receive no joy from it. Certainly not in the way that we as kids did.

Besides the obvious waste of money, there is also the safety concern. One time we had put some pennies on the track, and as the train went by, a penny was sent flying right by my head. I could have been seriously injured and all because of a lousy desire to see a smashed penny. Why are we instilled with a desire to destroy money?

As an aside, I had a roommate who sold Cutco knives. One of the demonstrations was that you could cut pennies with the scissors because the scissors were so sharp. Cutting pennies! Can you believe that? The hobo gently weeps.

Anyway, I think one of the more admirable qualities of the hobo is their penny-pinching, especially when you contrast that against our penny-smashing, squashing and cutting.

Imagine the amount of smokes that could have been paid for by lost coins of a smashing youth. It's enough to hurt your heart.

I guess I only bring this up because I have now been smash-free for over 20 years. It has not come easy. I have 9 pennies in my left pocket right now and all I want to do is run down to the tracks and start laying them down. But then I go back to a very valuable thought process...What would a hobo do?

That thought process hasn't let me down yet. (Of course, I don't ask the question very often, and never when it comes to transportation, confrontations, stabbing, wardrobe, life, marriage...you know, to be honest, I only really ask it with regards to money or food.)

1) Hobo Hat...Check; 2) Bologna Song...Check; 3) Accordian...Supercheck!

Hobo Or Not A Hobo - Revealed!

The answer: Not a hobo! This is actually a picture of an old coot. You can tell coots from their prominent stink eye and their disdain for the classified ads. The tell-tale sign that this was not a picture of a hobo was the large-brimmed hat that this coot is wearing. Because a hobo is usually sheltered by the metal roof of freedom, he has no need for such a sun-blocking brim. The rest of the clothing, however, could be found on any hobo, so don't feel bad if you felt this man was a hobo.

Oh Mr. Popeil...

Howabout some bologna jerky?

Up In Your Grill

Given that the hobo has to actually cook any hot meal that he wants to eat, I wondered what the majority of hobos preferred to grill with. Ideally, I'm sure they would prefer charcoal or propane, but seeing as how those two items aren't usually too common at a train yard, I'm guessing the old standby would be loose wood from various travels. And as I think about it, I have to assume the varying woods from varying states probably put unbelievable flavors into the assorted bolognas and dutch loafs. Imagine some cherry wood from Ohio mixed with some Tennessee mesquite. The flavors slow dance together in perfect rhythm.

But I also think hobo fondue must be a big hit. If you're not familiar with it, hobo fondue is when you take any animal humanely trapped (i.e. boot to rabbit head or stick to squirrel head), and cut it up into pieces and individually cook each separate bite with your butane lighter. You may think the taste would be too gamey and butaney, and you're probably right. But man, when you're on the rails, meat is meat.

Hobo Or Not A Hobo?

You make the call!

Do you think this is a picture of a hobo? Why or why not? I have the answer, but let's see what our readers think first!

Laughing Like Children, Living Like Hobos

I think it must be incredibly difficult to keep a hobo family together. Aside from wondering where the next biscuit is going to come from, there is the danger. All a parent wants is for their children to be safe, and I can't imagine an upbringing that would be much tougher than living the boxcar life.

Of course, there are probably some among you who would say that growing up hobo would make you tough, like some type of "Boy Named Sue" life lesson. But I think that's a lack of perspective, because even as Sue said at the end of the song "I still hate that name!" and he declared that he would never do that to his own son. And I don't know how you could say it would be a good upbringing, unless you yourself have experienced hobo life. Until you have, you probably shouldn't try to raise other people's children. That's not to say that unless you've lived on the rails that you're not qualified to give advice, but don't try to tell somebody that hobo life is the good life, unless you've actually lived it.

Perhaps the hardest part about raising a family on the rails would be the fact that you'd have no job to go to to actually get away from your family. You would just be with your family 24 hours a day! I'm guessing the hobo divorce rate is probably around 85%.

With such high numbers, you would think both the husband and wife would be at fault, but I'd put more of the blame on the wife because she knew what she was getting when she married somebody called "Mayor Skinny Wyatt".

The Art of Blogging

So I was clicking on that "Next Blog" link right up at the top of this one and it seems everybody is selling their art. Whether it be paintings, sculptures, or photographs. I don't have good art skills, and even if I did, I don't have good technical skills to get my art skills displayed on this blog. And since this blog is hobocentric, the art would have to have something to do with hobos, and preferably their diets.

I think if I had sculpting skills, I would probably sculpt a four foot high sculpture of a hobo sitting on a bench at a train depot and he's looking at a sign that is pointing in two directions. The first direction points towards "Home", the second direction points towards "Freedom". I would sculpt the hobo face to show some bit of inner struggle, but I would give him a sly smile in a type of "I already know what I'm doing" grin. I think it would win awards.

My hope would be that I would do so well with "Hobo A Go-Go" that I would receive grants for more of my art projects.

Like, zoinks!

Growing up, I always thought Shaggy and Scooby made the best food on tv. And I still feel that Scooby Snacks are probably the most delicious hand-snack ever invented, even though I'm sure it's just some type of chicken-based product. But I wonder how much my opinions of Shaggy and Scooby's culinary skills would have changed had they been hobos instead of dirty hippies.

Perhaps I would have then marveled at their ingenuity instead of their sandwichery.

I can tell you this though, if Shaggy and the gang were all hobos, I'd bet money that Scooby Snacks would just be brown dumplings. And there's no way I'm going spelunking down a haunted cave for frickin' dumplings. No way.

And I doubt two lovers of food such as Shaggy and Scooby would be so manipulatable for fried dumplings out of a box.

There would be no bribery.

I don't care if you give Shaggy six Scooby Snacks, he's not stabbing Tuxedo Joe when the train stops in Geary, Oklahoma for some blasted dumplings--no matter how much Fred and Velma beg and plead.

Go stab 'em yourself, Fred. You jerk!

How thick is "thick-cut" bologna?

Is it about like this?

Philly Cheese Bologna?

Judas!

So I'm wandering around the internet and I head over to hobo.com and find out that there's a national hobo convention every year in Britt, Iowa. I thought that was neat, until I went to the FAQ and happened upon this:

How can we get to the Hobo Convention?
Britt, Iowa is located 31 miles west of Mason City, Iowa. Route 18 travels through Britt. Greyhound Bus services Mason City. Clear Lake Municipal Airport offers flight service.

Greyhound Bus? Clear Lake Municipal Airport? Um, hello? I seriously doubt the Hobo Hall of Fame is going to have a wing in the museum for air and bus travel. Sellouts.

Here' s a little bit of old soul at least:

Can we still ride a freight train to the Convention?
Freight train riding is illegal! (wink, wink - my comments) Train service to Britt, Iowa is sporadic at best. There are 2-3 trains daily in either direction. While we don’t condone freight train riding, we recognize that there will be individuals who will choose to travel that way. Please be careful.

This makes me feel a bit better about the hobo legacy. While they are adamant in their telling you that freight train riding is illegal, they do tell you how many times trains come through Britt each day. This reminds me of all the keggers in college that had notebook paper signs around the kegs saying, "We are not responsible for anybody under 21 who is drinking" or "Nobody under 21 permitted alcohol", and then you're hoisting that 19-year old up while he does a keg stand.

Anyway, I thought you might find this all interesting.

Crumpets Anyone?

When I was a kid, I used to make what I called "White Trash Coffeecake". All you have to do is take a slice of white bread and spread a spoonful of sugar over the bread, then fold the bread and smash it down. It was very good. After about 6 or 7 of these, you may feel the urge to run around the house yelling and such.

The reason I bring it up is because I think white trash coffeecake could be an outstanding inclusion to any hobo's diet. It's cheap, it's easy, and it's supremely tasty. It could be a dynamite breakfast item for anybody short of cash or roof. And if you don't like the name "White Trash Coffeecake", call it something else. Maybe "folded sugar sandwich" or "hobo danish".

So if you're a hobo or you're currently looking for a new breakfast food, try a folded sugar sandwich and see how your day goes. If you don't like it, at least now you have a loaf of white bread and a bag of sugar, and as everybody knows, sugar is as good as currency on the rails and bread can always be used to soak up last night's turpenbrau.

In Any Language

"Hobo" in Spanish is "Vagabundo". Obviously, this is where the English "vagabond" comes from. I think the on-line English to Spanish dictionary could have come up with a better translation. I was actually expecting "hobo" to come back as "hobo". It sounds like a Spanish word and "el hobo" fits completely. And I think "Los Hobos" would be a great band name. I won't stoop to the vagabundo translation because "vagabond" has a negative connotation to it, whereas "hobo" is filled with romance and wonder.

Question.

What would happen if you formed ground bologna into a patty and fried it in a skillet like a burger?

Time Moves Slowly When It's Not On The Rails

I'm just sitting here thinking about my hoboburger. I had a regular cheeseburger--or "peopleburger", if you will--for lunch today and it wasn't just lacking in bologna, it was lacking in character.

(Actually, let's strike that "peopleburger" comment, because it makes it sound like hobos aren't people, and they definitely are people--dna has proven that. So my apologies to the hobo nation.)

So I'm just trying to bide my time until next fall when I get my first crack at a real hoboburger--or at least what some consider a "hoboburger". I've googled the term numerous times and never have I seen mention of the involvement of thick-cut bologna. Usually, it's just some type of ground beef, done in a loose way. Kind of like Roseanne and Dan Connor's loose meat sandwich shop, but it's cooked in foil. I think it sounds great, but it also sounds like sloppy joes without the sauce, which is something I never understood about the loose meat sandwiches. Manwich is like a dollar a can, you can afford the beef, but not the Manwich? Sad.

Anyway, what do you think about thick-cut bologna cut long-ways and put into a brat bun with some kraut? I think it sounds promising.

I think that's it for now. Sorry for staying away as much as I have recently. I plan to ramp this puppy up real soon. Don't expect pictures or anything, as I don't know how to do that. Low-tech is probably more fitting for a blog about hobo goods anyway, no?

Lastly, thanks for all the kind words. I couldn't do this without the support of so many kind people.

Hobo Potluck

I have to go back to work tomorrow after two weeks off. I'm not happy right now. What could make me happier about going to work would be if we were having a potluck, but I don't think we are.

I think cheesy potatoes makes everybody happier.

The thought of an office potluck got me wondering if hobos have potlucks. And if they do, what kind of containers do they bring their food in?

Of course, everybody probably just brings fried dough like they're the freaking Joads or something. Although, I must admit, John Steinbeck sure knows how to make fried biscuits sound supremely tasty. (Just a point of clarity, I'm not calling the Joads hobos, but they sure could fry up a mean biscuit.)

Getting back to the container conundrum, I'm guessing if everybody is just bringing biscuits, then they can just put them in their bindle. And, if they wanted to get all Martha Stewart, they could just line their bindle with foil and transport anything--even cheesy potatoes. I'm guessing hobos don't go anywhere without smokes, knives, foil and duct tape. And really, if you only have the knife, there are ways to get the other three hobo staples. (FYI: Booze is not a hobo staple as not all hobos drink.)

I just had an awesome idea: Instead of hamburger buns for the hoboburger, how about fried biscuit halves? I'm throwing out ideas like I know what would be better and really I have no idea. However, there are many documented cases where studies have shown that biscuit halves make better sandwich components than bread. I'm sorry that I don't have any of those cases noted, but you can probably google "Biscuit halves studies American Dough Institute" and you should find something.

Well, surprise surprise, I've gotten off-track. Back to potlucks--do you think hobos use Tupperware? I think beyond just using it for containers, Tupperware would prove remarkably useful to your average hobo. If you have the right-sized bowl, you could use it for a pillow or a seat or even a bowl.

And again I'm making suggestions to people who are actually living out there on the rails. Like I'm going to say something and some hobo reading this is going to shout, "Eureka, I never thought of lining my bindle with foil!" Mother is the invention of necessity, as they say, so I'm sure they're way ahead of me on household (or trainhold) industriality.

Well, that's about it for tonight. I'm going to bed so that I can wake up super early and get up and go to work for the first time in like 17 days!

The sadness builds.

I'm Back From Vacation and Getting Back on Schedule

We're back from Disneyworld and I already miss the giant-headed muppets. But I'll get over it. While driving home yesterday I noticed a place in South Carolina (I think) called "Hobo Joe's Fireworks". I wondered if this business was really run by a hobo or if it was just some type of brand-name franchise.

Assuming hobos are capable of owning and operating businesses, I'd guess that fireworks would probably be one of the more popular choices. I have to assume that since most hobos owe their travelhood to the thousands of Chinamen that laid the rails that they ride, that the natural progression would be to continue to do business with the Chinese in multiple forms, of which fireworks would be a prominent choice.

But as I think about the hobo life, I don't think business ownership would fit in--at least not a stationary business (or "stationery" for that matter, ha ha ha). Hobos are always on the move, they don't do "9-5". I can't imagine that a hobo would be a very competent boss either, since he would probably only show up to work two or three times a month at most. And you know that other hobos would always be showing up because they'd know that this was a hobo-friendly business. However, I also know that there are certain factions of hobos that do NOT get along. I would imagine that those warring factions would not be welcome in their enemies' places of business. If I were a hobo businessman, you can bet that I would have a sign above the register that says, "We reserve the right to refuse service to any hobo."

You may think that such a policy is harsh, but you have to remember that hobos stab people for socks, matching or not. If you've ever been stabbed for a sock, you can bet you'd be picky about who you sell fireworks to too.

Listen to me ramble on. Honestly, I'm just riffing about this stuff, because I've done very little research and my bases for saying hobos would refuse service to sock-stabbers is pure speculation and a gross generalization.

Anyway, that's just something that's been floating in my mind since I saw the sign on the side of the road for Hobo Joe's.

If anybody has ever shopped there, was there a large hobo contingent on site? Thanks.

Do Hobos Vacation?

Sorry for not posting yesterday. Things are pretty hectic at home right now as we get ready to head for Disney World for two weeks. All of this packing and erranding had me wondering if hobos go on vacation.

You may think that their whole life is a vacation, but I bet it's not. They still have to acquire means and goods to survive. I don't know about you, but that sounds like work to me.

If anybody knows, just drop me a line. I may not be posting for a couple of weeks, so enjoy the archives!

Fashion Pie.

Just adding on to my post below, I wonder if "Hobo Chic" will ever expand beyond just clowns and hobos.

If fashion was more in-tune with comfort instead of looks, you can guarantee it would be all the rage. Layers, flannel and tweed seem to me to be a tremendously comfortable concoction of cloth. Although I get warm easily and I'm not big on layers. Of course, I've never lived the life of a railsman so I probably take my warmth for granted.

Anyway, just getting my thoughts out there. Thanks for all of the great feedback!

Do Hobos Amuse You?

When did clowns make the crossover to "hobo clowns", and are there other segments of the population that have been annexed by the clown populace?

Try as I might, I have been unable to find figurines of clown firemen or clown doctors, but there are tons of clown hobos. Is this fair? Is this all clowns have to aspire to be? If that's the case, clown college is a complete waste of money.

Of course, this post may seem overly critical of hobos and the hobo industry, but it's not. I just don't like seeing clowns pigeonholed. And why can't clowns just be clowns? What's wrong with that? Do people call clowns and when they're booking an appearance do they say, "Yeah, we'd love you to come over and be a part of our birthday party, but could you be a just a little less-clown like?"

Clowns are scary enough without them dressing like hobos and worrying the kids that they may get hobo-stabbed going for a second slice of cake.

And you can count me in the group of people that think a fireman clown that sprays seltzer would be hilarious!

I don't even want to think of what a hobo clown sprays.

Whither Hobo Meatloaf?

Can anything be "hobo-ized"? Burgers are hobo-ized by replacing the beef patty with thick-cut bologna. Can the same be done for other foods? I think meatloaf may be an extreme example, but it definitely gives you something to think about. And does hobo-ization automatically mean that only bologna is substituted? Are there other meats out there that are Hobo Kosher?

I Want Candy! Do Hobos?

I just got done enjoying a Hershey's Kiss and I found myself wondering what types of candy hobos prefer, or even if they ate candy. Part of me thinks that hobos are simple folk and would enjoy simple candy--like those Brach's stars. But then I was thinking that there's no way a hobo would even have access to Brach's candies on account of their disdain for grocery stores. I'm guessing vending machine candy would be a much more popular snack on the rails. Then that got me thinking that the 65 cents that they'd spend on a bag of M&Ms could be better put to the $2 needed to get a bottle of alcohol. So, upon further thinking, due to their distrust of the global grocery industry, I have to assume that hobos do 97% of their shopping at gas stations, and when they do buy their bottle of hooch, I'm guessing they use the change left over to buy a 10 cent York peppermint patty. Not only does the patty contain chocolate, but it also contains mint, which virtually eliminates the need for a shower on account of its strong mint smell. I've never been a hobo, but I'd be lying if I didn't say that I think there are plenty of romantic elements to it. Not "romantic" in the candlelight dinner sense, but romantic in the story sense. Definitely more romantic than hitchhiking with truckdrivers--in any sense.

What Makes Bologna "Hoboworthy"?

I'm a man of means by no means, but there are days when I've got some cash in my pocket and I decide to spend said cash by swinging by the local Subway and getting a sub. Never once have I ever gotten their cold cut combo, which is some mishmash of bologna and other stuff. Perhaps if it was bologna, dutch loaf and pimento loaf, then we'd talk. Actually, that may be exactly what it is, but I just can't justify paying $5 for something that I could conceivably make at home.

Now I know what you're saying, you're saying, "But Tony, you can make a turkey sub at home." Yes, I can, but it's not the same. I've tried. I can't replicate it.

But that's not the only reason I won't pay $5 for a cold cut sub. I won't pay that kind of money because I don't have the respect for bologna that I do for other sliced meats, specifically turkey, bacon, salami and even pepperoni. Ham...it's not a stand-alone meat, so for that alone, I rank bologna ahead of it. However, ham is pert near the perfect complementary sliced meat. You can add it to anything, and that's what gives ham its value.

So I guess what it all comes down to is that bologna is "hoboworthy" because we look down on it. I think--as much as it pains me to say this--I think we're all a little bit hoboist. Myself included. I don't think it was my upbringing. It couldn't have been. I grew up loving bologna. I think my anti-hobo-ite leanings came when I became "educated". Isn't that always the way? You go to college to get an education, and you walk out with your diploma and a disdain for hobos.

Thank you Ohio State. You have taught me well. I wonder what other segments of America I have been taught to despise. I think I don't like people who drive other people around for a living, so that's probably thanks to Ohio State as well. Your tax dollars at work. Unbelievable.

Double Hobo Goodness?

I had a double cheeseburger tonight and it got me wondering about the possibilities of a double Hobo burger. They say that thick-cut bologna isn't something to be messed with and is already in itself like a double, or triple-bologna sandwich, and they're probably right. So even though a double Hobo burger may sound like a good idea, it would actually be like eating a sextuple beef burger, which while it sounds kinky, doesn't really sound appetizing. Actually, it could also be like eating a nontuple burger, which I don't think is even possible. And no matter how well you think you can fix bologna, you're still just fixing bologna. After a while, it would just be like opening a package of bologna, putting it all on a bun, and chomping down. It's bologna overkill. We're not talking Velveeta here, so you can't just start eating hunks of bologna like you can Velveeta. There has to be some conservation of space with regard to the sandwich, I would think. LOL. Listen to me. I'm talking like I know what I'm talking about. I'm talking like a regular rustic gourmet and I can't even fry bologna without melting a spatula. So I should probably apologize for talking like I know what I'm talking about. I have no idea what to expect and I shouldn't be so flippant about what I'm going to be experiencing. I can't believe that I've only had this blog going for about 12 hours and already I've lost focus on what its purpose is. For that, I am sorry. I think I'm going to take the evening and re-examine my purpose for this blog. Maybe I'm not ready for Hoboburgers. I sincerely hope that's not the case. I'm going to talk to my wife. See what she has to say. Ultimately it's my decision, and I know that. But I always appreciate input. I think that's it for tonight. Goodnight America and assorted republics.

Safety concerns

This is two-pronged. The first is immediate safety. I've seen tv shows about hobos and it seems that there isn't one segment that goes by where "multiple stab wounds" isn't mentioned. I'm excited about this Hoboburger, but I don't want to die or almost die. So my safety would have to be guaranteed. I have a family to support and I don't want to see them out on the street if I get stabbed. The worst part is that we just reupped our medical benefits and I left "Hobo Stab Coverage" unchecked. So if I ever do get stabbed, I either have to pay out of pocket, or convince the insurance company that I was actually stabbed by a drifter, and not a hobo. Good luck with that. Any drifter that has even looked at a train is categorized a hobo, which is a whole other issue that I may get into one day, but that day is not today. But getting back to the stabbing, I think it would almost be better if I was stabbed to death, because if I were to actually live, I would always have to hear about "Why didn't you pay for Hobo stab insurance, you knew you were going to be in a place with hobo foods!"

The second safety concern that I have is longer-lasting. As a child, we once grabbed some potatoes out of the pantry and walked the rail, eventually finding a spot to cook some sliced potatoes on a piece of slate that we found. Now I'm not sure of the level of carcinogens in slate, but I have to assume it's really high if you heat it with fire. Looking back on it now, I'm guessing it was probably about the same as smoking a pack of unfiltered Winstons all at once, but through a potato. I need to know that if I go to this Hobo food party that 1) no stabbing; 2) normal levels of carcinogens will both occur. I hope these two things can be guaranteed. If they cannot, I will have to make some alterations. I'm currently working on a form of chain mail that can withstand broken bottles of Mad Dog. However, they're completely useless against shivs. But the good news is that I've got like nine months to work the kinks out. Here's hoping.

Hobos. Pioneers and Way-Pavers.

I don't know a lot about hobos. What I do know is that I used to dress up as a hobo every Halloween as a child. It was really easy and I already had the clothes. However, in the 3rd grade, we were having a costume contest and most of my outfit was makeup, unfortunately, I didn't want to be in full makeup all day long, so I left it up to my 3rd grade teacher to do my makeup. I know what you're thinking--great choice! That's what I thought. Looking back, the lesson I've learned is to never give somebody you torture on a daily basis a loaded gun. My 3rd grade teacher took that makeup and smeared my face some ungodly black and red the likes of which would make baby Wes Craven pee his pants. I ended up having to enter the contest as "Hobo Burn Victim". It wasn't one of my prouder moments. But thinking back now, I wonder how many Hobo burn victims there have been trying to create foods that will last the tests of time. How many people had to die for the first Hoboburger to see the light of the barrel fire? Eight? Twelve? Probably at least eight.

Why do Hobos hate bacon?

I was just thinking...what if we also had bacon on this Hoboburger? Granted, the bacon would command too many tastebuds and may leave the bologna standing in the background, unknown and unappreciated--like me at senior homecoming, but without the stink of Jack Daniels and Big Red.

Perhaps bacon would be a nice addition after the first burger. Is there etiquette on how long you have to wait before you ask for for bacon? I assume that's like immediately salting a chef's food before you even taste it. Thoughts?

I'm ordering Destiny--extra onions.

My name isn't important. Neither is my age. What is important is the Hoboburger. I've never had one, but this fall that may all change. I don't know how not to get my expections all tizzified, so I thought maybe if I wrote out my thoughts, it would lead to self-explanation and self-regulation concerning the Hoboburger. If I could read my own expectations, they would then become tempered on down the road.

At least that's the plan.

Apparently the Hoboburger is thick-cut bologna cooked on a grill and done up with the finest of fixings. To call them "fixin's" would be an insult. Apparently these burgers are arrayed with the finest of slicings and dicings, but not so much as to overpower the actual bologna.

I've made no secret of my history with bologna. Of course, I've never really told anybody about it either. I used to take about three or four slices of bologna, stack them, cut them in half, stack those, then cut them into length-wise and width-wise, creating tiny stacks of bologna, and I would then eat these stacks--or "buildings" as I called them--with a toothpick. The wood brought out the bologna-y flavor of the bologna, which I'm sure is going to happen with the Hoboburger. I look forward to the wood flavoring, as I did as a child.

I do have somewhat of a brand-loyalty when it comes to bologna, mainly sticking with Oscar Meyer, Dinner Bell or Eckrich. Though sometimes as a child, we would get the bologna straight from the butcher, so it was neither "brand name" or "generic". I did not put up a fight against the butcher as I am never opposed to local businesses making money. I think investing in meat-based infrastructure is one of our most important duties as citizens. I would rank it 7th over-all, right above #8, which is "citizen's arrest".

Other forays into bolognadom for me would be the infamous "Bologna Bowl", which was simply a slice of bologna, topped with a slice of cheese, and then microwaved. The bologna curls up into a bowl of cheese, which sounds great until you eat the rubberized bologna and get burned by the scalding cheese. It was a great idea, but the implementation needs work--just like multi-speed escalator that I've tinkered around with.

Now I don't know how often I'll update this blog. Probably just when the feeling hits me. But I look forward to pinning down my thoughts as the Day of the Hoboburger approaches. It should be fun. Or it may not be. Either way, there will bologna.