Friday, January 18, 2008

Do Hobos Vacation?

Sorry for not posting yesterday. Things are pretty hectic at home right now as we get ready to head for Disney World for two weeks. All of this packing and erranding had me wondering if hobos go on vacation.

You may think that their whole life is a vacation, but I bet it's not. They still have to acquire means and goods to survive. I don't know about you, but that sounds like work to me.

If anybody knows, just drop me a line. I may not be posting for a couple of weeks, so enjoy the archives!

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Fashion Pie.

Just adding on to my post below, I wonder if "Hobo Chic" will ever expand beyond just clowns and hobos.

If fashion was more in-tune with comfort instead of looks, you can guarantee it would be all the rage. Layers, flannel and tweed seem to me to be a tremendously comfortable concoction of cloth. Although I get warm easily and I'm not big on layers. Of course, I've never lived the life of a railsman so I probably take my warmth for granted.

Anyway, just getting my thoughts out there. Thanks for all of the great feedback!

Do Hobos Amuse You?

When did clowns make the crossover to "hobo clowns", and are there other segments of the population that have been annexed by the clown populace?

Try as I might, I have been unable to find figurines of clown firemen or clown doctors, but there are tons of clown hobos. Is this fair? Is this all clowns have to aspire to be? If that's the case, clown college is a complete waste of money.

Of course, this post may seem overly critical of hobos and the hobo industry, but it's not. I just don't like seeing clowns pigeonholed. And why can't clowns just be clowns? What's wrong with that? Do people call clowns and when they're booking an appearance do they say, "Yeah, we'd love you to come over and be a part of our birthday party, but could you be a just a little less-clown like?"

Clowns are scary enough without them dressing like hobos and worrying the kids that they may get hobo-stabbed going for a second slice of cake.

And you can count me in the group of people that think a fireman clown that sprays seltzer would be hilarious!

I don't even want to think of what a hobo clown sprays.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Whither Hobo Meatloaf?

Can anything be "hobo-ized"? Burgers are hobo-ized by replacing the beef patty with thick-cut bologna. Can the same be done for other foods? I think meatloaf may be an extreme example, but it definitely gives you something to think about. And does hobo-ization automatically mean that only bologna is substituted? Are there other meats out there that are Hobo Kosher?

I Want Candy! Do Hobos?

I just got done enjoying a Hershey's Kiss and I found myself wondering what types of candy hobos prefer, or even if they ate candy. Part of me thinks that hobos are simple folk and would enjoy simple candy--like those Brach's stars. But then I was thinking that there's no way a hobo would even have access to Brach's candies on account of their disdain for grocery stores. I'm guessing vending machine candy would be a much more popular snack on the rails. Then that got me thinking that the 65 cents that they'd spend on a bag of M&Ms could be better put to the $2 needed to get a bottle of alcohol. So, upon further thinking, due to their distrust of the global grocery industry, I have to assume that hobos do 97% of their shopping at gas stations, and when they do buy their bottle of hooch, I'm guessing they use the change left over to buy a 10 cent York peppermint patty. Not only does the patty contain chocolate, but it also contains mint, which virtually eliminates the need for a shower on account of its strong mint smell. I've never been a hobo, but I'd be lying if I didn't say that I think there are plenty of romantic elements to it. Not "romantic" in the candlelight dinner sense, but romantic in the story sense. Definitely more romantic than hitchhiking with truckdrivers--in any sense.

What Makes Bologna "Hoboworthy"?

I'm a man of means by no means, but there are days when I've got some cash in my pocket and I decide to spend said cash by swinging by the local Subway and getting a sub. Never once have I ever gotten their cold cut combo, which is some mishmash of bologna and other stuff. Perhaps if it was bologna, dutch loaf and pimento loaf, then we'd talk. Actually, that may be exactly what it is, but I just can't justify paying $5 for something that I could conceivably make at home.

Now I know what you're saying, you're saying, "But Tony, you can make a turkey sub at home." Yes, I can, but it's not the same. I've tried. I can't replicate it.

But that's not the only reason I won't pay $5 for a cold cut sub. I won't pay that kind of money because I don't have the respect for bologna that I do for other sliced meats, specifically turkey, bacon, salami and even pepperoni.'s not a stand-alone meat, so for that alone, I rank bologna ahead of it. However, ham is pert near the perfect complementary sliced meat. You can add it to anything, and that's what gives ham its value.

So I guess what it all comes down to is that bologna is "hoboworthy" because we look down on it. I think--as much as it pains me to say this--I think we're all a little bit hoboist. Myself included. I don't think it was my upbringing. It couldn't have been. I grew up loving bologna. I think my anti-hobo-ite leanings came when I became "educated". Isn't that always the way? You go to college to get an education, and you walk out with your diploma and a disdain for hobos.

Thank you Ohio State. You have taught me well. I wonder what other segments of America I have been taught to despise. I think I don't like people who drive other people around for a living, so that's probably thanks to Ohio State as well. Your tax dollars at work. Unbelievable.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Double Hobo Goodness?

I had a double cheeseburger tonight and it got me wondering about the possibilities of a double Hobo burger. They say that thick-cut bologna isn't something to be messed with and is already in itself like a double, or triple-bologna sandwich, and they're probably right. So even though a double Hobo burger may sound like a good idea, it would actually be like eating a sextuple beef burger, which while it sounds kinky, doesn't really sound appetizing. Actually, it could also be like eating a nontuple burger, which I don't think is even possible. And no matter how well you think you can fix bologna, you're still just fixing bologna. After a while, it would just be like opening a package of bologna, putting it all on a bun, and chomping down. It's bologna overkill. We're not talking Velveeta here, so you can't just start eating hunks of bologna like you can Velveeta. There has to be some conservation of space with regard to the sandwich, I would think. LOL. Listen to me. I'm talking like I know what I'm talking about. I'm talking like a regular rustic gourmet and I can't even fry bologna without melting a spatula. So I should probably apologize for talking like I know what I'm talking about. I have no idea what to expect and I shouldn't be so flippant about what I'm going to be experiencing. I can't believe that I've only had this blog going for about 12 hours and already I've lost focus on what its purpose is. For that, I am sorry. I think I'm going to take the evening and re-examine my purpose for this blog. Maybe I'm not ready for Hoboburgers. I sincerely hope that's not the case. I'm going to talk to my wife. See what she has to say. Ultimately it's my decision, and I know that. But I always appreciate input. I think that's it for tonight. Goodnight America and assorted republics.

Safety concerns

This is two-pronged. The first is immediate safety. I've seen tv shows about hobos and it seems that there isn't one segment that goes by where "multiple stab wounds" isn't mentioned. I'm excited about this Hoboburger, but I don't want to die or almost die. So my safety would have to be guaranteed. I have a family to support and I don't want to see them out on the street if I get stabbed. The worst part is that we just reupped our medical benefits and I left "Hobo Stab Coverage" unchecked. So if I ever do get stabbed, I either have to pay out of pocket, or convince the insurance company that I was actually stabbed by a drifter, and not a hobo. Good luck with that. Any drifter that has even looked at a train is categorized a hobo, which is a whole other issue that I may get into one day, but that day is not today. But getting back to the stabbing, I think it would almost be better if I was stabbed to death, because if I were to actually live, I would always have to hear about "Why didn't you pay for Hobo stab insurance, you knew you were going to be in a place with hobo foods!"

The second safety concern that I have is longer-lasting. As a child, we once grabbed some potatoes out of the pantry and walked the rail, eventually finding a spot to cook some sliced potatoes on a piece of slate that we found. Now I'm not sure of the level of carcinogens in slate, but I have to assume it's really high if you heat it with fire. Looking back on it now, I'm guessing it was probably about the same as smoking a pack of unfiltered Winstons all at once, but through a potato. I need to know that if I go to this Hobo food party that 1) no stabbing; 2) normal levels of carcinogens will both occur. I hope these two things can be guaranteed. If they cannot, I will have to make some alterations. I'm currently working on a form of chain mail that can withstand broken bottles of Mad Dog. However, they're completely useless against shivs. But the good news is that I've got like nine months to work the kinks out. Here's hoping.

Hobos. Pioneers and Way-Pavers.

I don't know a lot about hobos. What I do know is that I used to dress up as a hobo every Halloween as a child. It was really easy and I already had the clothes. However, in the 3rd grade, we were having a costume contest and most of my outfit was makeup, unfortunately, I didn't want to be in full makeup all day long, so I left it up to my 3rd grade teacher to do my makeup. I know what you're thinking--great choice! That's what I thought. Looking back, the lesson I've learned is to never give somebody you torture on a daily basis a loaded gun. My 3rd grade teacher took that makeup and smeared my face some ungodly black and red the likes of which would make baby Wes Craven pee his pants. I ended up having to enter the contest as "Hobo Burn Victim". It wasn't one of my prouder moments. But thinking back now, I wonder how many Hobo burn victims there have been trying to create foods that will last the tests of time. How many people had to die for the first Hoboburger to see the light of the barrel fire? Eight? Twelve? Probably at least eight.

Why do Hobos hate bacon?

I was just thinking...what if we also had bacon on this Hoboburger? Granted, the bacon would command too many tastebuds and may leave the bologna standing in the background, unknown and unappreciated--like me at senior homecoming, but without the stink of Jack Daniels and Big Red.

Perhaps bacon would be a nice addition after the first burger. Is there etiquette on how long you have to wait before you ask for for bacon? I assume that's like immediately salting a chef's food before you even taste it. Thoughts?

I'm ordering Destiny--extra onions.

My name isn't important. Neither is my age. What is important is the Hoboburger. I've never had one, but this fall that may all change. I don't know how not to get my expections all tizzified, so I thought maybe if I wrote out my thoughts, it would lead to self-explanation and self-regulation concerning the Hoboburger. If I could read my own expectations, they would then become tempered on down the road.

At least that's the plan.

Apparently the Hoboburger is thick-cut bologna cooked on a grill and done up with the finest of fixings. To call them "fixin's" would be an insult. Apparently these burgers are arrayed with the finest of slicings and dicings, but not so much as to overpower the actual bologna.

I've made no secret of my history with bologna. Of course, I've never really told anybody about it either. I used to take about three or four slices of bologna, stack them, cut them in half, stack those, then cut them into length-wise and width-wise, creating tiny stacks of bologna, and I would then eat these stacks--or "buildings" as I called them--with a toothpick. The wood brought out the bologna-y flavor of the bologna, which I'm sure is going to happen with the Hoboburger. I look forward to the wood flavoring, as I did as a child.

I do have somewhat of a brand-loyalty when it comes to bologna, mainly sticking with Oscar Meyer, Dinner Bell or Eckrich. Though sometimes as a child, we would get the bologna straight from the butcher, so it was neither "brand name" or "generic". I did not put up a fight against the butcher as I am never opposed to local businesses making money. I think investing in meat-based infrastructure is one of our most important duties as citizens. I would rank it 7th over-all, right above #8, which is "citizen's arrest".

Other forays into bolognadom for me would be the infamous "Bologna Bowl", which was simply a slice of bologna, topped with a slice of cheese, and then microwaved. The bologna curls up into a bowl of cheese, which sounds great until you eat the rubberized bologna and get burned by the scalding cheese. It was a great idea, but the implementation needs work--just like multi-speed escalator that I've tinkered around with.

Now I don't know how often I'll update this blog. Probably just when the feeling hits me. But I look forward to pinning down my thoughts as the Day of the Hoboburger approaches. It should be fun. Or it may not be. Either way, there will bologna.