This is the End?

RIP Hoboburger

[Jan '08-Apr '08]

Poll Results Are In -- Hobo Beats Badger!

I must admit, I was very surprised--pleasantly--by these results.

First off, let's display the poll and subsequent results. The poll this time around was:

Who would win a fight between a hobo, a large bobcat, a small bear, an angry python and a protective mama badger?

45% said Hobo
36% said Protective Mama Badger
9% said Small Bear
9% said Large Bobcat
0% said Angry Python

Let me first admit that I initially had voted Large Bobcat, thinking that the combination of being large, having claws, having teeth, and being mean as hell would be a combination worth reckoning with.

But then I began thinking about the hobo--backed up against his boxcar wall, protecting his bindle and extra shoe, while a large bobcat stared him down. For not the first time, I put myself in the hobo's shoes at this moment. There is no way I'm going to lose a fight to a cat of any kind--other than a mountain lion, tiger, lion, liger, tigon, jaguar, leopard, black panther, white panther, pink panther, or hefty ocelot. Other than that, no chance. That bobcat would be going down! So I changed my vote to hobo.

That was my thought process, but I don't know what anybody else's was. Perhaps the most amazing thing was that I didn't have to give a qualifier to the hobo, like "Starving Hobo" or "Tuberculosis Hobo" or "Furious Hobo", and he still garnered the most votes. I guess what the poll says is that in a fight, people expect the hobo to come out on top, regardless of the competitor.

Could there have been better competitors in this poll? Perhaps, but I only went with animals that a hobo is likely to come into contact with, hence no Bitter King Cobras (the snake) or Rabid Kangaroos.

I think the poll also showed a great deal of respect for the mother badger. Everybody knows that badgers are mean sons'a'guns, so I wasn't too surprised to see 36% of America think an angry mama badger could take a hobo down. However, what I think most of those who voted for the badger forget about is that a mama badger's main concern is to her kids, so she's not gonna be in a sustained fight with a hobo, and once the hobo backed off a bit, she would leave to tend to her kids. Which, in turn, would force a count-out and the hobo would win.

America was equally unimpressed by Small Bear and Large Bobcat. I've always been of the opinion that I can take a small bear or a black bear, and I don't even have an extra shoe to protect, so there was no way I wasn't taking a hobo in that fight.

I've already given you my thoughts on the large bobcat, so I'll not go into that again.

Surprisingly, America has no fighting respect for the Angry Python. But against a hobo, I can't blame them. Knife versus nonpoisonous snake isn't exactly a battle reserved for pay-per-view.

So those are the results from this poll. Please feel free to comment on why you voted how you did, so that my research won't be so incomplete.

Thanks to the 100% of you who voted!

(That's a little bit of polling humor.)

Hobo Or Not A Hobo: Revealed!

Answer: Hobo!

The hat was a ruse! This is actually a painting of famous Hobo King Pennsylvania Kid Wilson, who being from Pennsylvania, was brought up wearing stupid hats.

I know I've told you before about tell-tale signs and that a large-brimmed hat usually means it's not a hobo, but here's the exception to the rule.

And to be honest, the brim isn't really as pronounced as the last Hobo Or Not A Hobo, it just looks like it. This type of hat is used as much to gather wind against the forehead as it is to keep the sun out of the eyes. With this type of hat, you catch even the slightest breeze and dry the ironhouse-of-freedom-born beads of sweat

So given that bit of trickery, how were you supposed to know that this was a hobo? Well, if you'll notice, Pennsylvania Kid Wilson isn't looking at the artist, he's looking behind him. Presumably because he's looking at a sculpture that he is going to use to smash over the artist's head when the artist lets his guard down.

The second big clue was all of the buttons on the overalls. Hobos love flair! And not just on the overalls, check out the zazz-laden hat full of clothespins.

This one really shouldn't have been that difficult.

But I do thank you all for your terrific guesses and dances with logic--even if they left you standing by the punch bowl.

Better luck next time!

Question

Do hobos pull pranks on eachother?

A common prank among skydivers is to pack somebody's parachute full of silverware. I wonder if hobos do the same with a bindle.

Although I'm guessing it wouldn't be a wise move to have one hobo having a bindle full of silverware, as some of that stuff is bound to be knives, and the spoons can easily be fashioned into hobo shivs. And forks came out of the womb with stabbing potential.

It's probably safe to say that if hobos do pull pranks, it wouldn't involve depleting their own knife supply while simultaneously increasing somebody else's--no matter how damn funny it would be.

When I was like seven-years old, I was sleeping one night and my brother woke me to tell me that the school bus was here, so I got up and headed for the porch in order to catch the bus. I think you could probably do something similar to a sleeping hobo, but I'm guessing you have to beware the consequences of a pranked hobo.

You would probably want to guard your soft middle parts from an angry stabbing. A pie pan or cookie sheet would have to be popular choices in my opinion.

I've also heard tales of hobos fashioning chainmail out of pennies. "Penny-mail" is inexpensive, as it only costs you the amount of pennies you choose to use and a little bit of wire. As with most attire, however, the fatter you are, the more expensive your gear. Fortunately, the fattest hobo on record only weighed 158 pounds.

What about the old "shaving cream in the sleeping hand" prank? In my opinion, this would be a very cruel prank to play as most hobos sleep with their knives taped into their hands, so somebody could very easily lose an eye.

I guess that's why they say "Let sleeping hobos lie."

Sounds like good advice.

Series: Benefits Of Being A Hobo

The Places You Get To Go

Just looking at the above picture, you can't tell me you wouldn't mind hanging up your loafers for a few days, grabbing your best pair of overalls, sharpening your sharpest stabbing knife, and heading down the iron highway for a weekend of rails, males and tales--in the heteroest of senses, of course.

Imagine watching the clock Friday afternoon, just knowing that in a few short hours, you're going to be down at the railyard, making sure your belt is secure and unable to get snagged on any loose metal hanging from the train you're about to catch, because you don't want to reach out to grab the train and have it grab you instead--like it did with Big Belt Stumpy Nevada Junior (his father went the same way.)

Can't you just feel the steel on steel cohesion of wheel and rail? Like they were poured together by the builders of the pyramids themselves. Every groove is perfect. Every inch is pure.

Smells like freedom...and some type of diesel.

The only problem would be giving up that first real taste of freedom and heading back to work on Monday.

But that's the life of a weekend hobo, I guess.

(Plus, it's the only way to keep your health benefits.)

To Answer A Frequent Question

No, I am not a professional graphic designer-type of fellow. The photoshops below were just something I put together yesterday. They only took me three hours, so it's not like it was too time-intensive as I was at work at the time. Sorry for the non-hobo-related post, but I didn't have time to answer all of the emails.

Marketing Shouldn't Be Just For Markets

Are you telling me you wouldn't have wanted this when you were a kid?

You would've been pounding on the neck levers scrambling for every last marbled biscuit!

Imagine the income for the entire Hobo nation if we would just market these great people better. And I'm not talking about hobo clown figurines, because that's degrading and has no place in hobo marketing. That's clown marketing--don't confuse the two! I also think "You derailed my boxcar!" could become pop culture gold!

Pay Hobo Caesar's Things Back To Hobo Caesar

Do you think hobos have to pay hobo taxes? Like is there a bully-type of hobo out there that requires periodic payments from other, less experienced hobos?

I can't imagine that a hobo bully would last too long without getting good 'n' gangstabbed.

And if there was a Hobo IRS, you'd better believe they aren't giving out any refunds.

You can go and complain all you want about how you overpaid your hobo taxes, but all the Hobo IRS is going to tell you is that, "We lost it between Sioux City and Topeka."

Everything gets lost between Sioux City and Topeka!

Remember the union dues that "disappeared"?

And don't even get them started about tuition reimbursement!

Oh To Be A Lebanese Hobo

This beautiful display of cased meats is "Lebanon Bologna". It is smoked for three days. It is a beef bologna which has a wood/spice aroma that will cause even the most dainty hobo to stab you for a mere bite.

But maybe the best aspect of this bologna is the fact that it looks like it's packed with newspaper filler, so until a hobo actually tastes or smells this magnificent meat, you don't really face any threat of being stabbed.

If you like to order your meats via the internet--which isn't really a hobo marketplace, you can go to http://www.seltzerslebanonbologna.com/index.html and get your Lebanon Bologna fix.

Hobo Or Not A Hobo?

You make the call!

So what say you, America! Is this a hobo, or not? Why, or why not? I've got the answer, but I'll give you a day or two to show your work.

Hobo Hot Pocket

I'm not sure if I've told you guys this one before, but when I was a kid, we would always go to my Grandma's for Sunday Dinner. I would always take a roll and carve out a hole with a butterknife and then stuff that roll full of applesause, pot roast, corn, and whatever else went deliciously with applesauce, meat and corn.

And then I would eat the hell out of it!

I think this would be a great addition to any hobo-based cookout. Perhaps a roll carved out and stuffed with fried bologna and applesauce. You could even add a corn salsa for a little fiber.

And think of the possibilities of eating a complete meal with one hand free. Not only do you have one hand free to stab, but you also have the ability to defend yourself from being stabbed! Aside from tasteability, feasible livelihood may be the biggest benefit of the Hobo Hot Pocket.

And even ignoring the obvious stabbing feature the Hobo Hot Pocket provides, you don't have to make a big production out of supper. The handheld aspect of the HHP is perfect for the hobo on the go who doesn't have time to sit and fix a couple of dumplings and a couple of ears of feed corn that you came upon in Truitt County.

I think I'm on to something here. Let me know!

Oh! And what if we deep-fried it!?!

An Apology

I've always been called an abandoner by everybody I've ever left forever, and I was afraid for a while that that would happen with Hoboburger, but I really don't want it to. I want this to work. For all of us.

But then as I thought about my absence, I couldn't help but notice a perfect sense of symmetry about a writer of a hobofoods blog disappearing for awhile.

After all, it wouldn't be a blog about hobos and hobofoods if you didn't go a long period without hearing from me.

But I'll admit, I didn't plan this "vacation", it just sort of happened. I feel like I owe you an explanation, especially after all of the emails and comments about this blog's future. However, due to HERPA (Hobo-E-Related Preparatory Act), legally, I do not have to disclose my whereabouts over the past month, and I'd prefer to abide by the law this time.

So I guess this is just my announcement announcing the announcement of my return announcement (this is also my return announcement, so don't expect one of those).

But to get back on track--if you will--traveling season is upon us, make sure you leave a little something on the stoop for the Rustic Americans in your neighborhood. Even if it's crappy, they'll make something tasty out of it--unless it has sour cream, which is a worthless hobo food as it doesn't travel and nobody likes sour cream and biscuits.

Thanks again for all of your letters. I am fine and am happy to be back. Please stop calling me though.

And please stop sending me pictures of your surgeries. The human form loses something when it is beset with tubes, imo.