Series: Benefits Of Being A Hobo

You'll never have to be strapped to another man and thrown out of a plane.

Now I'm not saying that at some point in a hobo's life that he won't be enlisted and thrown out of planes, but I seriously doubt he'd be strapped to somebody else when it happened. And certainly not strapped to either Will Ferrell or Moby. Consider yourself lucky.

Series: Benefits Of Being A Hobo

You are on the cutting edge of bologna science.

While we sit here in our living rooms and offices, the American hobo is out there developing new and stunning ways to prepare bologna. While we stew in our obliviousness, hobo chefs are inventing the unimaginable--and making it delicious! I'm a child of the 80s, so the only thing cutting edge in the 80s was tv shows about advanced vehicles. I'm not downplaying its importance in American history, but it's nothing like being a child during the beginning of space exploration. And to me, being at the forefront of bologna advancement has to be similar to being at the forefront of the space program. Sadly, through research, I have found that over 39 hobos have lost their lives trying to get the most out of bologna. (It should be noted that 38 of those deaths were due to somebody attempting to steal their bologna, and subsequently stabbing them to death.) But the bologna engineers push on because it is all they know. Well, they also know stabbing, but that's beside the point--sort of. But getting back to the beneficial aspects of being a hobo, imagine getting to see blockbuster movies months before they're released...that's what life is like for a hobo. You get to experience bologna blockbusters long before they hit the gas stations or railways. Lucky!

Series: Benefits Of Being A Hobo

Bill Walton won't criticize you for your performance.

I have been criticized by folks in my time, and it's not fun. But I have never been criticized by Bill Walton. Now I don't take that to mean that he approves of what I do; I take it to mean that he has no idea who I am. And in this sense, I know what it feels like to be a hobo. And you know what? It feels pretty darn good. Hobos never need to feel the sting of being told to "get a rebound" or "make a shot". Walton will never walk up to them and tell them to "fry that dumpling" or "ferment this orange". I'm not saying the hobo life is an easy one, but not being critized by Bill Walton has to make life a little bit easier than it otherwise would be.

Poll Results Are In And Analyzed For Your Protection

Last week, I posed the following question to America: Would you watch a cooking show starring a hobo? And amazingly, 93% of you said you would!

The breakdown is truly fascinating. Here are the results:

52% of America said "Yes, as long as the stabbing is kept to a minimum."

41% of America said "Yes, regardless of stab numbers."

A little over 5% of America said, "Probably not as I'm a hobo myself and my tv watching is sporadic at best."

0% of America said, "No, I prefer shows about boats and cats."

So what does it mean? Thankfully, it means that there is such a thing as too much stabbing on tv. For a while, the stabbers were winning out on this poll, but fortunately, the people with ethics came through.

Now I'm not saying America is wanting a stab-free cooking show. Nobody wants that. But it can't just all be about the stabbing. It is, after all, a cooking show, not a stabbing show.

Another interesting find was that America hates shows about boats and cats. Apparently we have forgotten about a little thing called The Love Boat? Although, to generalize and say America "hates" boats and cats would not be correct. They simply favor cooking shows featuring hobos and stabbing over shows featuring boats and cats.

The most amazing discovery brought about by this poll is that over 5% of Americans are hobos! I would have never imagined such a large percentage. I wonder how much longer Social Studies classes will continue to ignore the Hobo-American.

Pennies For Your Thoughts

When I was a kid, we used to put pennies and nickels on the train tracks and then let a train run over our money. Sometimes, however, we weren't able to find our coins. I imagine that we were not alone in losing smashed change. I have to assume that over the years, hobos have found pounds of useless squashed coins and have shaken their heads at the money being wasted.

We have a lot to learn from the hobo.

Mainly, money shouldn't be smashed by trains--it should be spent. You will never see a hobo place money on a rail in order to be smashed. A hobo would receive no joy from it. Certainly not in the way that we as kids did.

Besides the obvious waste of money, there is also the safety concern. One time we had put some pennies on the track, and as the train went by, a penny was sent flying right by my head. I could have been seriously injured and all because of a lousy desire to see a smashed penny. Why are we instilled with a desire to destroy money?

As an aside, I had a roommate who sold Cutco knives. One of the demonstrations was that you could cut pennies with the scissors because the scissors were so sharp. Cutting pennies! Can you believe that? The hobo gently weeps.

Anyway, I think one of the more admirable qualities of the hobo is their penny-pinching, especially when you contrast that against our penny-smashing, squashing and cutting.

Imagine the amount of smokes that could have been paid for by lost coins of a smashing youth. It's enough to hurt your heart.

I guess I only bring this up because I have now been smash-free for over 20 years. It has not come easy. I have 9 pennies in my left pocket right now and all I want to do is run down to the tracks and start laying them down. But then I go back to a very valuable thought process...What would a hobo do?

That thought process hasn't let me down yet. (Of course, I don't ask the question very often, and never when it comes to transportation, confrontations, stabbing, wardrobe, life, marriage...you know, to be honest, I only really ask it with regards to money or food.)

1) Hobo Hat...Check; 2) Bologna Song...Check; 3) Accordian...Supercheck!

Hobo Or Not A Hobo - Revealed!

The answer: Not a hobo! This is actually a picture of an old coot. You can tell coots from their prominent stink eye and their disdain for the classified ads. The tell-tale sign that this was not a picture of a hobo was the large-brimmed hat that this coot is wearing. Because a hobo is usually sheltered by the metal roof of freedom, he has no need for such a sun-blocking brim. The rest of the clothing, however, could be found on any hobo, so don't feel bad if you felt this man was a hobo.

Oh Mr. Popeil...

Howabout some bologna jerky?

Up In Your Grill

Given that the hobo has to actually cook any hot meal that he wants to eat, I wondered what the majority of hobos preferred to grill with. Ideally, I'm sure they would prefer charcoal or propane, but seeing as how those two items aren't usually too common at a train yard, I'm guessing the old standby would be loose wood from various travels. And as I think about it, I have to assume the varying woods from varying states probably put unbelievable flavors into the assorted bolognas and dutch loafs. Imagine some cherry wood from Ohio mixed with some Tennessee mesquite. The flavors slow dance together in perfect rhythm.

But I also think hobo fondue must be a big hit. If you're not familiar with it, hobo fondue is when you take any animal humanely trapped (i.e. boot to rabbit head or stick to squirrel head), and cut it up into pieces and individually cook each separate bite with your butane lighter. You may think the taste would be too gamey and butaney, and you're probably right. But man, when you're on the rails, meat is meat.

Hobo Or Not A Hobo?

You make the call!

Do you think this is a picture of a hobo? Why or why not? I have the answer, but let's see what our readers think first!

Laughing Like Children, Living Like Hobos

I think it must be incredibly difficult to keep a hobo family together. Aside from wondering where the next biscuit is going to come from, there is the danger. All a parent wants is for their children to be safe, and I can't imagine an upbringing that would be much tougher than living the boxcar life.

Of course, there are probably some among you who would say that growing up hobo would make you tough, like some type of "Boy Named Sue" life lesson. But I think that's a lack of perspective, because even as Sue said at the end of the song "I still hate that name!" and he declared that he would never do that to his own son. And I don't know how you could say it would be a good upbringing, unless you yourself have experienced hobo life. Until you have, you probably shouldn't try to raise other people's children. That's not to say that unless you've lived on the rails that you're not qualified to give advice, but don't try to tell somebody that hobo life is the good life, unless you've actually lived it.

Perhaps the hardest part about raising a family on the rails would be the fact that you'd have no job to go to to actually get away from your family. You would just be with your family 24 hours a day! I'm guessing the hobo divorce rate is probably around 85%.

With such high numbers, you would think both the husband and wife would be at fault, but I'd put more of the blame on the wife because she knew what she was getting when she married somebody called "Mayor Skinny Wyatt".

The Art of Blogging

So I was clicking on that "Next Blog" link right up at the top of this one and it seems everybody is selling their art. Whether it be paintings, sculptures, or photographs. I don't have good art skills, and even if I did, I don't have good technical skills to get my art skills displayed on this blog. And since this blog is hobocentric, the art would have to have something to do with hobos, and preferably their diets.

I think if I had sculpting skills, I would probably sculpt a four foot high sculpture of a hobo sitting on a bench at a train depot and he's looking at a sign that is pointing in two directions. The first direction points towards "Home", the second direction points towards "Freedom". I would sculpt the hobo face to show some bit of inner struggle, but I would give him a sly smile in a type of "I already know what I'm doing" grin. I think it would win awards.

My hope would be that I would do so well with "Hobo A Go-Go" that I would receive grants for more of my art projects.

Like, zoinks!

Growing up, I always thought Shaggy and Scooby made the best food on tv. And I still feel that Scooby Snacks are probably the most delicious hand-snack ever invented, even though I'm sure it's just some type of chicken-based product. But I wonder how much my opinions of Shaggy and Scooby's culinary skills would have changed had they been hobos instead of dirty hippies.

Perhaps I would have then marveled at their ingenuity instead of their sandwichery.

I can tell you this though, if Shaggy and the gang were all hobos, I'd bet money that Scooby Snacks would just be brown dumplings. And there's no way I'm going spelunking down a haunted cave for frickin' dumplings. No way.

And I doubt two lovers of food such as Shaggy and Scooby would be so manipulatable for fried dumplings out of a box.

There would be no bribery.

I don't care if you give Shaggy six Scooby Snacks, he's not stabbing Tuxedo Joe when the train stops in Geary, Oklahoma for some blasted dumplings--no matter how much Fred and Velma beg and plead.

Go stab 'em yourself, Fred. You jerk!

How thick is "thick-cut" bologna?

Is it about like this?

Philly Cheese Bologna?

Judas!

So I'm wandering around the internet and I head over to hobo.com and find out that there's a national hobo convention every year in Britt, Iowa. I thought that was neat, until I went to the FAQ and happened upon this:

How can we get to the Hobo Convention?
Britt, Iowa is located 31 miles west of Mason City, Iowa. Route 18 travels through Britt. Greyhound Bus services Mason City. Clear Lake Municipal Airport offers flight service.

Greyhound Bus? Clear Lake Municipal Airport? Um, hello? I seriously doubt the Hobo Hall of Fame is going to have a wing in the museum for air and bus travel. Sellouts.

Here' s a little bit of old soul at least:

Can we still ride a freight train to the Convention?
Freight train riding is illegal! (wink, wink - my comments) Train service to Britt, Iowa is sporadic at best. There are 2-3 trains daily in either direction. While we don’t condone freight train riding, we recognize that there will be individuals who will choose to travel that way. Please be careful.

This makes me feel a bit better about the hobo legacy. While they are adamant in their telling you that freight train riding is illegal, they do tell you how many times trains come through Britt each day. This reminds me of all the keggers in college that had notebook paper signs around the kegs saying, "We are not responsible for anybody under 21 who is drinking" or "Nobody under 21 permitted alcohol", and then you're hoisting that 19-year old up while he does a keg stand.

Anyway, I thought you might find this all interesting.

Crumpets Anyone?

When I was a kid, I used to make what I called "White Trash Coffeecake". All you have to do is take a slice of white bread and spread a spoonful of sugar over the bread, then fold the bread and smash it down. It was very good. After about 6 or 7 of these, you may feel the urge to run around the house yelling and such.

The reason I bring it up is because I think white trash coffeecake could be an outstanding inclusion to any hobo's diet. It's cheap, it's easy, and it's supremely tasty. It could be a dynamite breakfast item for anybody short of cash or roof. And if you don't like the name "White Trash Coffeecake", call it something else. Maybe "folded sugar sandwich" or "hobo danish".

So if you're a hobo or you're currently looking for a new breakfast food, try a folded sugar sandwich and see how your day goes. If you don't like it, at least now you have a loaf of white bread and a bag of sugar, and as everybody knows, sugar is as good as currency on the rails and bread can always be used to soak up last night's turpenbrau.

In Any Language

"Hobo" in Spanish is "Vagabundo". Obviously, this is where the English "vagabond" comes from. I think the on-line English to Spanish dictionary could have come up with a better translation. I was actually expecting "hobo" to come back as "hobo". It sounds like a Spanish word and "el hobo" fits completely. And I think "Los Hobos" would be a great band name. I won't stoop to the vagabundo translation because "vagabond" has a negative connotation to it, whereas "hobo" is filled with romance and wonder.

Question.

What would happen if you formed ground bologna into a patty and fried it in a skillet like a burger?

Time Moves Slowly When It's Not On The Rails

I'm just sitting here thinking about my hoboburger. I had a regular cheeseburger--or "peopleburger", if you will--for lunch today and it wasn't just lacking in bologna, it was lacking in character.

(Actually, let's strike that "peopleburger" comment, because it makes it sound like hobos aren't people, and they definitely are people--dna has proven that. So my apologies to the hobo nation.)

So I'm just trying to bide my time until next fall when I get my first crack at a real hoboburger--or at least what some consider a "hoboburger". I've googled the term numerous times and never have I seen mention of the involvement of thick-cut bologna. Usually, it's just some type of ground beef, done in a loose way. Kind of like Roseanne and Dan Connor's loose meat sandwich shop, but it's cooked in foil. I think it sounds great, but it also sounds like sloppy joes without the sauce, which is something I never understood about the loose meat sandwiches. Manwich is like a dollar a can, you can afford the beef, but not the Manwich? Sad.

Anyway, what do you think about thick-cut bologna cut long-ways and put into a brat bun with some kraut? I think it sounds promising.

I think that's it for now. Sorry for staying away as much as I have recently. I plan to ramp this puppy up real soon. Don't expect pictures or anything, as I don't know how to do that. Low-tech is probably more fitting for a blog about hobo goods anyway, no?

Lastly, thanks for all the kind words. I couldn't do this without the support of so many kind people.

Hobo Potluck

I have to go back to work tomorrow after two weeks off. I'm not happy right now. What could make me happier about going to work would be if we were having a potluck, but I don't think we are.

I think cheesy potatoes makes everybody happier.

The thought of an office potluck got me wondering if hobos have potlucks. And if they do, what kind of containers do they bring their food in?

Of course, everybody probably just brings fried dough like they're the freaking Joads or something. Although, I must admit, John Steinbeck sure knows how to make fried biscuits sound supremely tasty. (Just a point of clarity, I'm not calling the Joads hobos, but they sure could fry up a mean biscuit.)

Getting back to the container conundrum, I'm guessing if everybody is just bringing biscuits, then they can just put them in their bindle. And, if they wanted to get all Martha Stewart, they could just line their bindle with foil and transport anything--even cheesy potatoes. I'm guessing hobos don't go anywhere without smokes, knives, foil and duct tape. And really, if you only have the knife, there are ways to get the other three hobo staples. (FYI: Booze is not a hobo staple as not all hobos drink.)

I just had an awesome idea: Instead of hamburger buns for the hoboburger, how about fried biscuit halves? I'm throwing out ideas like I know what would be better and really I have no idea. However, there are many documented cases where studies have shown that biscuit halves make better sandwich components than bread. I'm sorry that I don't have any of those cases noted, but you can probably google "Biscuit halves studies American Dough Institute" and you should find something.

Well, surprise surprise, I've gotten off-track. Back to potlucks--do you think hobos use Tupperware? I think beyond just using it for containers, Tupperware would prove remarkably useful to your average hobo. If you have the right-sized bowl, you could use it for a pillow or a seat or even a bowl.

And again I'm making suggestions to people who are actually living out there on the rails. Like I'm going to say something and some hobo reading this is going to shout, "Eureka, I never thought of lining my bindle with foil!" Mother is the invention of necessity, as they say, so I'm sure they're way ahead of me on household (or trainhold) industriality.

Well, that's about it for tonight. I'm going to bed so that I can wake up super early and get up and go to work for the first time in like 17 days!

The sadness builds.

I'm Back From Vacation and Getting Back on Schedule

We're back from Disneyworld and I already miss the giant-headed muppets. But I'll get over it. While driving home yesterday I noticed a place in South Carolina (I think) called "Hobo Joe's Fireworks". I wondered if this business was really run by a hobo or if it was just some type of brand-name franchise.

Assuming hobos are capable of owning and operating businesses, I'd guess that fireworks would probably be one of the more popular choices. I have to assume that since most hobos owe their travelhood to the thousands of Chinamen that laid the rails that they ride, that the natural progression would be to continue to do business with the Chinese in multiple forms, of which fireworks would be a prominent choice.

But as I think about the hobo life, I don't think business ownership would fit in--at least not a stationary business (or "stationery" for that matter, ha ha ha). Hobos are always on the move, they don't do "9-5". I can't imagine that a hobo would be a very competent boss either, since he would probably only show up to work two or three times a month at most. And you know that other hobos would always be showing up because they'd know that this was a hobo-friendly business. However, I also know that there are certain factions of hobos that do NOT get along. I would imagine that those warring factions would not be welcome in their enemies' places of business. If I were a hobo businessman, you can bet that I would have a sign above the register that says, "We reserve the right to refuse service to any hobo."

You may think that such a policy is harsh, but you have to remember that hobos stab people for socks, matching or not. If you've ever been stabbed for a sock, you can bet you'd be picky about who you sell fireworks to too.

Listen to me ramble on. Honestly, I'm just riffing about this stuff, because I've done very little research and my bases for saying hobos would refuse service to sock-stabbers is pure speculation and a gross generalization.

Anyway, that's just something that's been floating in my mind since I saw the sign on the side of the road for Hobo Joe's.

If anybody has ever shopped there, was there a large hobo contingent on site? Thanks.