The poll results this past week were shocking to me. The question to America was: If a hobo stabbed you for your socks, what would you lament the most?
The breakdown went like this:
9% of America said they would lament "Being stabbed for my socks."
27% of America said they would lament "My suddenly cold feet and my loss of stomach blood."
27% of America also said they would lament the fact that "That's eight dollars that I'll never get back."
36% of America lamented that "If I die, I won't have a cool story to tell."
I must say, this breakdown is chilling to me. I will admit that I was one of the 9% of Americans that felt the worst part about being stabbed for my socks, would be the fact that I just got stabbed for my socks. Of all the things to be stabbed for, you chose to stab me for my socks? That, to me, is much worse than not having a story to tell.
I also thought that more people would be upset about their loss of stomach blood. You do know that you need stomach blood to live, right? Of course, that may be partially my fault, because I could change the poll to allow multiple selections, but I think that makes a poll lazy, and I don't want a lazy poll.
The two most disturbing findings of my science were the fact that 27% of America would lament losing the eight dollars that they paid for their socks. Are you crazy? Being stabbed for your socks is much worse than losing the money you paid for them. Wouldn't you give somebody eight dollars to not stab you? If the choice is being stabbed, or handing over eight bucks to avoid a stabbing, I'm giving them a ten and asking for change! You people value money more than life! I am sad for you.
And then there is the 36% of Americans who would lament not having a story to tell if they die. Are you kidding me? Is this how far we've come as a society that you wouldn't mind being stabbed, as long as you lived to tell the story? Are you going to talk to schools about being stabbed by a hobo for your socks, because your buddies aren't going to want to hear it more than twice. And it's not like it's an unusual story. Research shows that 13% of Americans have been stabbed by hobos. I think maybe those 36% of Americans are desperate for attention and their own stories just aren't interesting enough. Nobody wants to hear about the time you had a flat tire and you called AAA and they fixed it and then you went home.
Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this poll. I'll have another up and running soon.
3 comments:
If you paid someone $8 to not stab you and take your $8 socks, you now have $16 socks... Can you really afford that?
anon - do you really want a poll that takes into account the treehuggers? I didn't think so.
derek - you make an interesting point. I would counter by asking if you can afford to NOT pay $16 for your socks. It's either $16 for socks or $8 for nothing. You tell me which gives you your money's worth.
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